


Trollmate

by ChiefInvestigatorEmma



Series: Trollmate [1]
Category: South Park
Genre: F/M, M/M, Nasty Language, Slurs, Soul Mate AU, Soulmates, Yet!, ask again later, because its cartman, cursing, eldergays, forgive me for my slurs, honestly fuck wendy, honestly its crack just by nature, ike and heidi are bffs and i live for it, obviously, oh did you want actually useful tags, outlook not so good, sorry - Freeform, sorry holly, takeanartclass, the tags outshine the story, usually its kenny and heidi but the AU doesnt line up that way this time round yet, well you cant have them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 22:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14882568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChiefInvestigatorEmma/pseuds/ChiefInvestigatorEmma
Summary: Heidi was pretty excited to hear from her own soulmate. She didn’t write first, selfishly daydreaming how they would greet her first, in exactly the right way.So when she was sitting in her elementary school classroom and felt a weird tickle on her arm, she was so nervous she almost couldn’t bring herself to look. Her soulmate was real, it was happening. It was going to be awesome, it was going to change her life, it…. was a swastika. Followed by a pretty damn detailed drawing of Hitler.-Yes, you read it right. It's an Eric Cartman love story. Soulmate AU, sister story to "Take an Art Class, Idiot" by Elder Gays (Katanachan)





	1. Instigate

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Take an Art Class, Idiot](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14390082) by [The Elder Gays (Katanachan)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katanachan/pseuds/The%20Elder%20Gays). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: this is an ERIC CARTMAN STORY, there are slurs used that I do not endorse. I wanted to stay loyal to his character and South Park.

_Fifth Grade_

 

Most girls in Heidi’s fifth grade class were greeted by their soulmates with a _“hello”_ or a _“what’s up?”_ Bebe even got some lame poem written in French, even though she herself couldn’t speak a lick of it.

They had just had the big “soulmate” talk in school, where the adults acted as if soulmates were a big secret that none of the kids knew about, when in reality most were aware of the phenomenon from about the age they learned to talk. Regardless, the in school lecture seemed to jumpstart communication between the soulmates in their grade, and writing popped up on a new girl every few days.

Heidi was pretty excited to hear from her own soulmate. She didn’t write first, selfishly daydreaming how they would greet her first, in exactly the right way.

So when she was sitting in her elementary school classroom and felt a weird tickle on her arm, she was so nervous she almost couldn’t bring herself to look. Her soulmate was real, it was happening. It was going to be awesome, it was going to change her life, it…. was a _swastika._ Followed by a pretty damn detailed drawing of Hitler.

It had to be some kind of joke. She didn’t answer, just waited around in the hopes of receiving a “just kidding!” or at least an explanation, but it never came.

She _had assumed_ , after all, that her soulmate would greet her in an unforgettable way, and in a sick twist of fate, they had. It felt as if the rug had been pulled from underneath her feet. Yes, her soulmate had arrived, but now Heidi wasn’t so sure she wanted him.

The _second_ drawing was of a boy with curly hair getting nailed from behind by what looked like a giant turd in a santa hat. It came the very next day, apparently this kid was really taking a running start with these art pieces. From the looks of things, Heidi’s very own, exclusive, one of a kind, made-for-her soulmate, was an absolute pig.

All her school friends started pushing to see what her soulmate was sending her, especially her friend Wendy, who was very assertive and wasn’t good at taking no for an answer.

“C’mon Heidi it can’t be that bad.” The beret clad girl would say, rolling her eyes at Heidi’s stubbornness. “Just show us.” And Heidi would think back to the drawing of ‘the Coon’ that she had seen when she checked her arm over lunch break, and while it definitely wasn’t the worst of his drawings, he had added a mountain of conquered enemies (read: corpses) behind him, and she didn’t think that was the kind of romantic stuff the girls were hoping to see. So she’d just shake her head yet again, and get up from the lunch table to dump her tray without even finishing her food.

She started getting extreme wear out of her long sleeved shirts, thankful that she lived in Colorado where nobody would question it. And for a long time, she ignored him, because she was fairly certain she wanted nothing to do with him.

But at some point enough was enough. Too many days she had to wake up before her parents to run to the bathroom and wash crude drawings of naked women off of her arms, nazi propaganda from her hands, and even Terrance and Phillip farting into her belly button, once. Heidi was supposed to love this person, but instead she began to resent him, maybe even despise him.

It was October 31st, Halloween, when she finally responded to him. He had taken less and less to drawings over time and now used her as a sort of journal to vent out whatever garbage was flowing through his diseased mind. Maybe he assumed that she, as his soulmate, would understand him, would _relate_ to him.

 **“I love Halloween.”** He wrote. **“My mom made me a mecha Hitler costume and my teacher fuckin freaked, it was hilarious. All my friends went as matching chinpokemon, fuckin fags.”**

Mentally, Heidi added ‘homophobe’ to the mountainous list of things she hated about this boy. Uncapping her sharpie, she wrote in all capital letters: _“YOU’RE A JERK.”_ It felt good to write, but it was jarring on her pale skin. When he didn’t respond right away she huffed and pulled down the sleeve of her unicorn onesie to hide the words. Adjusting her hood to ensure her horn was standing up straight, she attempted to pay attention to the lesson of the day, but it was math and she had already busted through the entire year’s math workbook earlier that month.

Feeling the all too familiar itch on her arm, she looked down and reluctantly tugged her sleeve back up to read his response.

 **“Whatever, I do what I want. Nice of you to finally show up.”** She sighed, tempted to leave him alone again. But at the same time, he’d been aggravating her for months now and she had more than a few things she wanted to say to him.

 _“Yeah whatever I’m here.”_ She responded in carefully nondescript handwriting.

 **“What took you so long, bitch??”** She frowned down at her skin. It made her sick to her stomach, to think that someone like this was her soulmate. _What does that say about me? I’m not **that** bad. I mean, I’ve spread rumors, but what girl hasn’t? Surely I don’t deserve **this.**_

Then, with a grin that would make the Grinch proud, Heidi had an idea. _“Are you assuming my gender?”_ She wrote back.

 **“I’m straight, of course you’re a fucking girl.”** Smirking, she replied quickly.

_“That’s odd, because last I checked I’m a boy.”_

He didn’t answer for a good few minutes. Heidi could imagine him worriedly considering it, trying to wrap his tiny brain around the concept of his soulmate being another guy.

 **“No ur not.”** Was his eventual response. Heidi snorted, covering her mouth after when she remembered she was in class. Quickly, she wrote back:

 _“Why would I lie about that?”_ She allows her handwriting to get particularly lazy. _“Maybe you don’t think you’re attracted to guys because you haven’t met me yet ;)”_

Another long wait. **“Fuck u i’m not gay.”** Was all he said, and he didn’t draw or write for the rest of the day. Heidi considered it a win in her book.

* * *

 

 **“Heh. Knew you weren't a dude.”** Eric had written the message where the sun doesn't shine and just like all the others, she hadn't answered. It'd been three full days and his soulmate still acted as if he wasn't responding, so he was fairly confident he was correct.

I mean, he knew it anyway because he really was straight, but he felt some pride in having caught her in her bullshit. He wouldn't tell her he knew. He wanted to see how far she'd take her lie.

 _Soulmates. What a fuckin joke._ One only had to take a single glance at his ‘parents’ to see that soulmates didn't mean shit. Liane Cartman had wrecked more homes than Eric could count on both hands and feet, and he couldn't be more sure that the sanctity of being soul mates didn't really stand for much when it was so easy for his mom to sleep around with half the men in South Park. So for now he treated this mystery girl as a game for his own amusement.

After all, he was a boy of high standards. He doubted even destiny could create a woman he could tolerate for longer than an hour.

So if he was answering their lame questions it wasn't because he had some stupid mushy feelings over the validation of actually having someone destined to love him- it was because he was _bored_. Knowing that whoever it was was fucking with him was amusing, at least.

He still hadn’t told Kyle, Stan, or Kenny yet. First, because Kyle and Stan had known almost immediately that they ‘belonged to each other’ and now viewed themselves as experts on the matter even though they were only eleven years old. Second, Kenny got pretty uptight about the topic of soul mates, his having ignored him his whole life.

Eric couldn’t really relate to why they all took it so seriously. Especially Kenny, who had all the reasons in the world to disbelieve the soulmate bullshit, what with his unresponsive soulmate and world’s shittiest parents.

He heard someone walk into the bathroom and enter the stall next to him, and he shook himself out of his thoughts. He really should get back to class. Mr. Mackey, having been forced to take the role of fifth grade teacher, was getting less and less ‘mkay’ with Eric’s behavior. Especially so with PC Principal being watched so closely after his tryst with Strong Woman; the whole staff was on edge like never before.

Slinking back into the classroom, Eric squeezed into his desk and was immediately bored. Mackey was prattling on about how he wanted to replace trigonometry with a safer, less illuminati conducive form of mathematics.

Again, Eric cursed his mom for raising him in a town with such a trash education system. He pulled out a pen from his backpack and began to draw a portrait of Mr. Mackey as the Mona Lisa on his left forearm.

A few minutes later, he paused momentarily to watch as his soul mate drew a lazy rendition of Starry Night next to his own drawing in the telltale shades of crayola markers.

Shifting slightly in his desk to ensure his friends couldn’t see what he was doing, he drew back a version of the Scream with a dick ejaculating on the screaming face. It only stayed a few seconds before the large black marker strokes crossed it out. Eric grinned, it was likely his soulmate was in school as well, and he hoped that one of her classmates saw his masterpiece before she covered it up.

Having only begun to wage war, Eric spent the rest of the school day doodling lewd versions of classic paintings and by the time the dismissal bell rang, his arm was black from his soulmate crossing them all out.

* * *

 

 

In fourth grade Heidi had been certain she had the State Science Fair in the bag. She had meticulously perfected her emoji analysis, successfully pinning down cyberbullies all over the town of North Park. All people cared about these days were people’s feelings, so they were sure to eat it up. They certainly had at her school’s fair, for the first year ever Heidi had actually beaten Wendy for first place. She went to Denver that day feeling more than ready enough to kick the butts of all the other kids there.

Just as she’d suspected, the judges were amazed, oo-ing and ahh-ing all over her, and she was damn proud and beyond excited, the winning prize, aside from $100, was a ridiculously oversized, plastic jewel encrusted trophy. It was exactly the kind of gaudy over-the-top crap that she loved, and she could already envision taking it home tonight and placing it up on the shelf she’d cleared in her bedroom.

So when they had announced the winner as Ike Freaking Broflovski, Heidi was about ready to pick up the jar of stupid waterbears that the booth next to her had cultivated and break them over the head of whoever this Broflovski punk was.

 _Apparently,_ the seven year old prodigy had managed to hack into the FBI’s database, and had written them an entirely new program that would prevent people from doing it again. This, coupled with the fact that he was adorable standing at what seemed like two feet tall with his wide-ass Canadian smile, meant he won by a landslide.

Heidi had stomped over to him, pushed right past his loudmouth Jersey Shore mother, and picked him up by his shirt collar. _She_ was then picked up by _her_ shirt collar, finding herself face to face with the same mother she’d just pushed out of the way. To say that Sheila Broflovski was a hover mother was a bit of an understatement, and Heidi felt sure she had almost died that day.

Once she had been terrified into apologizing to both Sheila and the little twerp, she faced him and glared him down.

“I hate you.” She informed him. “I was supposed to win and I hate you.”

He smiled. He freaking smiled at her, and then he said: “Get good.” in his tiny little voice with no remorse whatsoever.

Heidi couldn’t help it, she lost it. Falling to the floor, she laughed until she couldn’t breathe and then laughed for another five minutes. He fell right alongside her, his own giggles and snorts mixing with hers.

She had never failed so badly at intimidating someone, and she had never cared so little. Having been thoroughly defeated, she swallowed her pride and inspected his project, which was actually really damn cool and impressive for a first grader. He happily explained to her how he’d done it and in return, let her explain all the nitty gritty details of her emoji analysis.

And that was how she met her best friend of all time, the Canadian god himself. Or at least, that was his username.

 _Heidi_Ledger: yo Ike, you there?_  
Canadian_god: ya sup  
_Heidi_Ledger: can you help me with something?_  
Canadian_god: ……….ya sup  
_Heidi_Ledger: don’t judge me okay?_  
_Heidi_Ledger: i need you to help me find my soulmate_  
Canadian_god: cant u just ask them  
_Heidi_Ledger: i kinda don’t want to_  
Canadian_god: y not tho  
_Heidi_Ledger: he’s……. bad_  
Canadian_god: ur gonna have to explain more than that buddy  
_Heidi_Ledger: i can give examples_  
_Heidi_Ledger: he fed people hamburgers that he put in his butt_  
_Heidi_Ledger: he pretended to have tourettes and then gave himself tourettes on accident_  
_Heidi_Ledger: he had a ton of kids accuse their parents of being child molesters to get rid of parents_  
_Heidi_Ledger: don’t ask me why i want to find him_  
_Heidi_Ledger: i’m just… curious_  
_Heidi_Ledger: and idk he’s kind of an asshole_  
_Heidi_Ledger: you’re not answering and its freaking me out_  
_Heidi_Ledger: ike wth i know u didn’t get dc’d ur the internet genius here_  
_Heidi_Ledger: you like own the internet practically_  
_Heidi_Ledger: IKE_  
Canadian_god: sorry  
Canadian_god: had to go talk to my bro quick  
_Heidi_Ledger: why?! Is everything okay_  
Canadian_god: uh  
Canadian_god: yeup  
Canadian_god: can i just call u  
_Heidi_Ledger: i guess?!!!!!!!!??_

Almost immediately her phone rang on her desk- his ringtone was the Canadian national anthem, as he had insisted. She felt apprehensive, her stomach twisting. He almost never called- last time he did was because the princess of Canada had been kidnapped. The poor kid had been inconsolable, it was the first and only time she’d ever heard him cry in the year she’d known him.

“Hello?” She answered cautiously. “Ike, you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He said. It was always jarring to hear what he sounded like after primarily talking to him online. It was so hard to match his massive personality with his tiny babyish voice. “I didn’t wanna tell you this over chat.” Hearing that he wasn’t in trouble, she relaxed, somewhat releasing the death grip on her phone.

“Tell me what though?” Heidi pressed, impatient as always. “You never call me.” She pulled at a loose thread from her sweater, unraveling a small hole in the sleeve.

“So uh. Your soulmate, yeah?” He was avoiding the topic, and she was getting stressed out.

“Did you find him?” She asked, wishing she could just squeeze it out of him already. She was nervous enough about this to begin with, this whole ordeal had her pretty on edge.

“I didn't _have_ to find him.” Ike said, after a long pause. “I grew up with him. His name is Eric Cartman.”

Heidi sat there with her phone to her ear, staring at the hole in her sweater but not really seeing it. Something in his voice was causing her heart to leap up into her throat. This was not the way someone talked when they deliver good news.

“Yeah, and?” She asked, wincing when her voice squeaked a little.

“Well Heidi. I gotta be honest with you- he’s the worst person I’ve ever met in my entire life, and I’ve met Satan.” He paused. “He’s an honest to God sociopath, he made a kid eat his own parents.”

She was disappointed, and she didn’t know why. She hadn’t been expecting much, but for some reason it still hurt. Mostly because… well, what did this say about her? The soul that was created especially for her belonged to a bigot. A racist. A murderer. Why her? What in her soul was meant for him? She had so many questions, and nobody to ask about them.

 _There must be something wrong with me._ The thought fell into her mind to stay, growing larger and more disgusting by the minute.

“He’s that bad?” Is what she asked Ike, voice small and fragile.

“I don’t wanna lie to you.” Was his response, which alleviated no stress whatsoever. “Hey. I mean- technically he saved my family from dying once. So there was that.”

She felt sick. Broken. Ugly. She wished she’d never spoken to him. Well. Written to him. Even if she had been writing as “Heath” the flamboyantly gay boy from Denver. At least she didn’t feel too guilty now for screwing with him.

Thinking of this lie reminded her of how annoyed the boy- _Eric_ \- had gotten. This made her smile, just a little.

So what. _So what?_ Who _cared_ if her soulmate was a piece of crap? Heidi wasn’t going to let him be the winner here. Taking a deep breath, she centered herself.

“So, Ike.” She said, slowly. “If I lied to him and told him his soulmate is a dude, how bad should I feel?”

There was a small pause, and then a huge burst of laughter assaulted her from her phone speaker. The poor kid was wheezing, and she could hear him slapping some kind of table. Minutes passed, and every time she thought he was done laughing, he started up all over again. Eventually it got to the point where she was laughing herself, and her heart lightened somewhat because it reminded her of the science fair last year.

Finally, after her stomach had started cramping from being doubled up in laughter, they managed to simmer down somewhat, still gasping for air from laughing so hard.

“Heidi-” Ike choked out. “Please don’t hate me for what I’m about to say- but I think you really are his soulmate, because only his soulmate would know exactly how much he deserves to be fucked with. I really think that Cartman has found his match.”

“That actually,” she said in between giggles, “That actually makes me feel a little better. I kind of like that. Thanks, Ike.”

“So please tell me you’re gonna keep screwing with him because I’m living for it.” He said, resuming the clattering of his keyboard as he most likely jumped back into his minecraft server. “This is something I never knew I needed but now never want to live without.”

Feeling as if she’d just shed a bear’s worth of weight off of her shoulders, Heidi flopped back onto her bed. “Well, I told him I live in Denver, I have two extra toes, and I might be a werewolf. That’s about it so far. He mostly talks about himself.”

“Okay, it’s a good start, but you should get more personal. Hit his weaknesses.” Ike said, thoughtfully. “You need to tell him that you’re a hippy. You live to serve mother nature and you _love_ Peruvian pan flute bands. Also tell him that you’re a ginger. And that your favorite show is Family Guy. But not all at once or he’ll be suspicious.”

“You’re the best, Ike.” Heidi said, and she meant it. She picked up her pen and rolled up her sleeve.

_“I’m thinking about joining greenpeace or PETA what do u think”_

**“I fucking hate you.”** Was all she got in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is dedicated to Harmony. Harm- you truly pushed me to write this story, you sat with me in the word document for hours and hours and never complained. You're the little sister I always wanted, and I love you to death. Thank you for everything you've done for me.
> 
> If you haven't read the Elder Gays' story, please do, it's called "Take an Art Class, Idiot" and it's Crenny and it's amazing. This story is set prior to theirs, with their permission. Angel and Cori, I love you dearly, thank you for pushing me to do this and inspiring me.
> 
> Lastly, so much credit is due to Yijasha, my muse and the one who made me fall in love with Eric's character. A lot of this was written with their assistance, and it wouldn't be half the story it is without their help.
> 
> I'm really nervous about posting a "heiman" fic but here goes nothin'. If you read this far, thank you, and please let me know if you wanna read more. :*
> 
> Fuck count: 8


	2. Integrate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated way earlier than I thought I would. And this chapter is...... LONG.
> 
> Enter Eric Cartman. And Stan and Kyle and Kenny, very briefly.
> 
> As usual, warnings for Eric being horrible and offensive. 
> 
> Also- I mention Ike's soulmate, but I'm not going to reveal who it is (its not that hard to figure out) because of a possible sister-sister fic. ;)
> 
> enjoy~

## 8th Grade

Wendy leaned over the table, long black hair falling into a curtain around her as she did so. The school library was as boisterous and noisy as ever, and both of them were struggling to get homework done before cheerleading practice.

“Are you ever going to let me read that?” Wendy asked as Heidi meticulously copied over Eric’s recent writings into her journal. Since day one, Heidi had kept a record of everything he said to her, all the way back to the first drawings he’d sent. She wasn’t even sure why, because most of it was pretty unpleasant. Perhaps some small  part of her was getting used to him.

“No, I’m not showing you.” Heidi said without looking up. “I told you, it's nothing exciting. He’s a complete jackass.” Today Eric had gone on yet another rant about his ‘whore mother’’, who Heidi had come to realize was a large contributor to his vile attitude. She almost felt bad for him, his mom sounded completely negligent, and Heidi understood a thing or two about negligence.

“C’mon Heidi, you know I’d tell you about mine if I had one.” Wendy said, pulling open another book from the stack and flipping open to the index.

“I’m sure you have one.” Heidi said placatingly. She knew Wendy was sensitive about this subject. “They’ll show up someday.”

“You sure I can’t just share yours?” Wendy’s pout morphed into confusion as Heidi let out an abrupt snort.

“You don’t want mine.” She retorted, giggling a little. “Believe me. You really don’t.”

“You just want them all to yourself.” Wendy accused, frowning a little. Heidi felt a little offended that Wendy seemed to doubt her honesty, and with a frown, she flipped open the journal to a random page and began reading.

“ _There once was a faggot called Mike_  
_  
_ _Who unfortunately married a dyke._

_He once fucked her butt_

_But found he couldn’t nut_

_So he told his wife to take a hike.”_

Wendy’s face was priceless. Her jaw had dropped, and her eyebrows were furrowed. Heidi could see the social justice warrior in her warring with her attempt to be tactful with her reaction.

“Okay.” She took a while with her response, staring down at the open textbook a bit sheepishly. “I believe you. Sorry I doubted.”

“You sure?” Heidi pressed, keeping her face deadpan. “there were several more after that one. He’s really creative.”

“Yes. I’m sure.” Wendy said, glaring at her as if to say that she wasn’t appreciating Heidi’s attitude. Finding this humorous, Heidi broke out into raucous giggles. Despite the fact that they were far from the loudest in the room, the librarian waited until this moment to do her job, and reprimanded the girls with a harsh shushing noise.

They quickly fell into silence, and while Wendy immediately went back to notetaking, Heidi looked down to her arm and ruminated on what she should say in response to Eric. She was still learning how to approach him, as sometimes he seemed to prefer just venting and being heard while other times he almost approached the threshold of needing reassurance from her. Naturally, he’d never outright ask for it, he was far too prideful for that. But with every day, she started to understand him a little more.

She decided not to answer, if not mostly for the sake of privacy. Wendy’s nosiness could only be sated for so long. Heaving a sigh, Heidi pulled her own stack of books closer to her and ran her fingers down the spines before grabbing one at random and beginning to read.

* * *

 

These days studying and Cheerleading took up a majority of  Heidi’s time. Wendy kept offering to hang out after practice, but as the two girls got older Heidi found less and less in common with the other girl. She still appreciated her company, especially around school and in the library, but most days she went directly home and onto her computer to talk to Ike.

It was tough, having a best friend who lived out of town, and only just barely so. The fact he lived so close to her yet they never saw each other was driving her somewhat insane.

Which is how she found herself on the bus a few weeks later with her cheek pressed against the glass, half asleep.

She watched as the countless trees flew past the window, and flinched every time they hit a pothole. As they got closer and closer to South Park the roads got progressively more narrow and more shitty. She’d never been there, but she wasn’t really nervous. Even crappy towns like South Park had google street view, and she had memorized Ike’s address earlier that morning while she got dressed.

The bus stop was at the border of town, and she clambered off after giving her fare. The next bus wouldn’t be by for about four hours, so there was no changing her mind now. She checked the message from Ike for the thousandth time and turned left, heading West. According to him he was the fifth house down. For whatever reason they had only built on one side of the road, even though the land on the other side looked identical. This town really was strange.

She could see his house almost immediately, but more interesting to her was the bright green one halfway down the block. This, she had been informed, was where her soulmate lived. It still surprised her to think they had lived this close their entire lives.

She looked up to the windows on the top floor, and tried to picture what he looked like. She’d been warned that he was not a looker by any means, but she still was curious. Ike had offered to send pictures but she said no every time. For some reason- blame the stupid romantic side of her- she wanted the first time she saw him to be in person. Even if he was a douchebag, he _was_ her soulmate, and in some ways it was still sacred to her.

She saw movement in one of the lower windows, and she started to move on before realizing it was a small gray cat playing with the curtains. She waved to it for whatever reason, immediately feeling foolish afterwards. She turned heel quickly and walked down to the pale fern colored house that was the Broflovski’s.

She barely had time to ring the doorbell before it opened and Sheila was beaming down at her, red beehive hair taller than ever. “ _Heidi_ , come on in honey, it is _so nice_ to see you again.” She bustled Heidi inside, shutting the door behind her. “Little Ike has been looking forward to this for ages, haven't you, bubby?” She gestured to where ‘little Ike’ stood, except he wasn't little anymore. Against all laws of nature, Ike had somehow grown about three feet since Heidi had seen him last, now roughly the same height as her.

“Yeah Mom, the most excited. Might die.” He said, smiling wryly. “C'mon Heidi let's go upstairs.” His voice had deepened over the years, not low by any means but no longer the adorable baby voice he had when she first met him.

“Keep your door open young man.” Sheila bossed, her accent almost hilarious in how strong it was. “You two come down and get lunch whenever you're hungry! I’m making matzo pizza!”

This lady had **so much energy.** Heidi could only aspire to be half that passionate someday. She quickly bent over to unlace her sneakers, and lined them up carefully on the doormat next to the others.

Straightening up, she followed Ike meekly up the stairs, checking her hair out of  habit to make sure her bangs hadn't been mussed too badly by the wind. They entered a door that had a good five locks on it, but Ike dutifully left it cracked open to appease his mother. Heidi barely had time to look around the room before the boy had crushed her into a hug, picking her up so her feet dangled a few inches from the ground. She cautiously returned the gesture, not really the hugging type of person but appreciating the fondness in his actions.

“So Heidi,” Ike said after he had let her go, plopping down into his computer chair. “You're like old as shit now.” He grinned with an impish look in his eyes, which were as blue as the sky outside his window.

She rolled her eyes and pushed herself up on his bed, looking around at all the blueprints, posters, and drawings. Though she'd never been there, she felt comfortable. His room somehow felt more like home than any of the rooms in her own large and often empty house.

“I'm thirteen years old, Ike.” She said, folding her arms across her chest. “If anything _you're_ just a baby.”

“Not my fault I’m a prodigy, pal.” He said, logging into his computer and then leaning over his desk to dig through a pile of papers and books, pulling out a laptop and handing it over to her. “I bought you Overwatch. And by bought I mean I might have stolen Kyle’s account information. He sucks anyway, he won’t notice.”

Heidi snorted, grabbing the laptop and lazily shoving the adapter plug into the wall outlet behind Ike’s bed. “What the hell is Overwatch anyway, I’ve heard you talk about it but I’ve never looked at it before.”

“Listen. Everyone on earth has heard of Overwatch by now. You really don’t know anything about it?” Ike asked, running a hand through his messy hair.

“Nope.” Heidi shook her head, “I don’t even know what kind of game it is.” She waited for the laptop to boot up and started the game, grabbing the controller he had tossed next to her and plugging it in.

“Do you play it a lot?” She asked curiously. “I thought you still spent most of your time on Minecraft.” She lazily perused the ‘heroes’ and decided on one called Orisa, not really paying attention to any of the menus as she clicked through them.

“I did, but uh, my soulmate plays it a lot, so I kinda play with them these days whenever they let me.”

“Wait, you’re talking to them and you didn’t tell me?” Heidi looks over at him to see his face growing pink, and she smiles.

“Yeah, he just… he doesn’t like being talked about. Or acknowledged, most of the time. He’s kind of strange, I’m still getting used to him. And vice versa. Playing games together has been fun though. We voice chat sometimes.” He didn’t look at her, turning more red and starting a match. Heidi cursed, looking down at her screen and trying her best to figure out what was going on.

“You sound happy.” She said finally, her character darting around the screen for a few seconds before taking a rocket straight to the face. “I’m glad. You met him yet?”

“Well, you know me.” He gained his third kill before briefly glancing at her. “Master hacker and all that. He told me his first name and that was all it took for me to find him online. He was really upset, though. Apparently privacy is a big thing for him. So no, we haven’t met yet. I’m still trying to smooth that all over.”

“But you like him?” She asked, honestly curious. She hadn’t bothered to try and keep up in game. Instead she began running for her life, seeing how long she could survive without someone taking her down. Not very long, it seemed.

“I do.” His voice sounded warm, affectionate. “He’s… different. But in a good way. Like nobody I’ve ever met. It’s true, what they say, about your soulmate being what you need even though you don’t know you need it.” He paused, his eyebrows pulling together in a frown and looking over to her guiltily. “Usually, I mean.”

“You deserve it, Ike.” She said firmly, not allowing to let this be tainted by her own drama. “I’m really happy for you.”

“Yeah, well, wait until my mom finds out that not just one but two of her sons are gay and incapable of making her grandchildren.” He said grumpily. The match ended and Heidi still had no idea what had happened during it.

“Again?” He asked, and didn’t wait for her to confirm before hitting the button to start another game. She sighed, and hit it as well, only to jump as the front door slammed open downstairs, and several angry voices rang out.

“Fuck you, dickhead!”

“Fuck _you,_ Kahl!”

“I hate you, why did you even come over?”

“I just wanted to hang out with Kenny, and if Kenny’s comin here then I’m comin with, you stupid jew!”

Heidi looked up at Ike, whose face had gone blank. His gaze meeting hers, he slowly nodded as if answering her unspoken question. Before they could do anything else, there was a small earthquake as the owners of the voices stomped up the staircase, still arguing heatedly.

“Ike, have you seen my tablet anywhere?” She could only assume the boy that had just burst into the room was Ike’s brother Kyle. His hair was a mess, curls falling into his pale freckled face like wildfire. “Oh. You’re… not Ike.”

“Over here, buddy.” Ike waved from his desk. “No, I don’t know where your tablet is. Want me to find it on the network? If you have it connected to the wifi I could probably see where it is.”

“You can do that?” Kyle sounded impressed. Turning back to Heidi, he raised an eyebrow. “And why do you have a girl over?”

“Wait, Ike has a girl over?” Suddenly, Kyle was moved over and another boy poked his head in, looking around curiously. His eyes met Heidi and he raised his hand in a wave. “Sup.” He asked. “I’m Stan.” He had _very_ blue eyes and his black hair was stick straight, complete opposite of the boy standing next to him.

“Heidi.” She giggled, trying her best to appear calm. More commotion came from behind them and a face almost completely hidden in a huge orange hood appeared below Stan’s arm. She couldn’t really see him, but she waved anyways.

“This is Heidi.” Ike rolled his eyes, pulling up a couple menus on his computer and reading a few windows carefully.  “She’s my best friend, I talk to her all the time.”

“Is she the one you’re always playing games with and talking to all night?” Kyle asked, stepping further into the room to watch over Ike’s shoulder as he worked. Ike looked a little uncomfortable with the question, and Heidi quickly spoke up, setting the laptop aside and moving to sit on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah that’s me. I _love_ Overwatch, you have no idea.” She smiled sunnily.

“ _Guys,_ seriously. What the _fuck_ is taking you so long?” The voice came from the doorway, and the boy in the parka and Stan both parted to allow the final boy in. “Does he have your tablet or- who the fuck are _you_?”

Ike had made Eric Cartman sound like a beached whale. Said he was one of the most repulsive people on earth. A literal troll. She had been prepared for the worst. But in terms of looks, Eric wasn’t _that_ bad.

He was big. Not “indescribably massive” as Ike had said, but his shoulders were wide and he was tall for their age. His light brown hair was messy, and he had a strong jaw and golden eyes that looked as if they had lit coals behind them.

If she hadn’t known him, Heidi might have even thought he was cute. _Such a nasty person doesn’t deserve to be this pretty_. Oh well, at least this meant he had at least one redeeming quality, even if it was only his looks.

He was currently looking at her with one eyebrow raised, radiating an almighty attitude of being _better_ than everyone else in the room.

“Who the fuck are _you?”_ She countered, although she already knew.

_My soulmate. My other half. My supposed one true love. My crap hand in life._

“Eric Cartman.” He said, sounding bored already. “I-”

“Your tablet is in the garage, moron.” Ike interrupted Eric’s reponse, rolling his eyes and pushing Kyle not so subtly towards his doorway. “Now can you guys leave us the hell alone?”

“Yeah yeah yeah, we’ll leave you with your girlfriend.” Kyle rolled his eyes, but still grinning cheesily at the two of them. Heidi’s eyes were still glued to Eric, attempting to memorize his face while she had the chance. He, on the other hand, had already lost interest in her, turning instead to scrutinize a computer diagram that Ike had on his wall. Heidi was pretty sure Ike had drawn it himself.

After Kyle had stomped downstairs to check the basement, Eric turned and walked out of the room, not even saying goodbye. The other boys followed shortly after, and Kyle must have indeed found the tablet in the garage because within a few minutes the front door open and slammed shut again, and the house fell back into peace and quiet. The room suddenly felt a lot bigger now that they were gone.

“So.” Ike said, a shit eating grin on his face. “Thoughts?”

“He’s not bad looking.” Heidi said, and then instantly clapped her hands over her mouth, horrified.

“Oh really now?” He asked, grin practically splitting his face in half. “I thought he was the scum of the earth.”

“He still is.” She said defensively, dropping her hands down to rest on her hips in an indignant manner. “Being pretty doesn’t make him a better person in my eyes.” This time Ike outright guffawed.

“You think Cartman is _pretty?_ ” He asked in between bouts of laughter.

“He has nice eyes.” Heidi snapped, throwing a pillow at him and hitting him directly in the face. “Leave me alone, I’m still processing. That situation was overwhelming.”

“I guess it would be.” Ike seemed to take pity on her. “Another game of Overwatch, then?” Resigned to another round of the game she had no idea how to play, she nodded. She lost every single time out of the seven games they played before dinner that night.

* * *

 

There was a reason that Heidi began to spend so much time at the Broflovski’s, beyond that of Ike being her best friend and the chance to spy on Eric. The entirety of her life after she hit about ten years old was spent alone. Her parents had discovered that the only way they could bear each other was from opposite sides of the globe- but if her dad got to go to New York, then her mom deserved to go to Germany, and if her mom went to Seattle, then her dad would go to Mexico, and so on and so forth.

Heidi was left to raise herself in North Park, with a sizable allowance and no parental supervision.

That being said, when they _were_ home… They would insist on family meals, as if they’d suddenly remembered they had a daughter waiting for them, and thought that eating together would be enough to make up for the weeks they’d left her to find food on her own. As if sitting a few feet away from her on either side of their large table was all the comfort a teenage girl could need from her parents.

Heidi sat there on her chair, staring down at her takeout miserably. As her parents got progressively louder and louder, she thought longingly of Sheila, who was always so welcoming to her. That woman’s husband was one of the most obnoxious and stuck up people she’d ever met, but at least she still treated him like a human being. Like her soulmate actually meant something to her.

The Broflovski home felt like that of a family, compared to this house which felt more like a dollhouse- the mother, father, and daughter sitting around a plastic table with plastic food and plastic faces. Straight out of the box, with no real love holding them together.

Stuck in between two supposed soulmates yelling back and forth, Heidi thought that maybe it made sense that Eric was her soulmate, maybe rotten relationships were hereditary in the Turner family. The thought of this being her own future made her eyes sting, and she sniffled, losing her battle against her rapidly sinking mood.

It wasn’t until her mother started to cry that Heidi excused herself, almost falling up the stairs in her haste to get away from the sight of her dad watching her mother’s tears with no remorse on his face whatsoever.

Once she was in her room, she locked the door and pulled her dresser in front of it, just in case one of them decided they needed to be a parent for once and come after her. Of course, they wouldn’t, but the action still made her feel better. Sitting down at her desk, she was about to open her laptop and send a message to Ike when she remembered his words earlier that week.

“V _is getting frustrated that I’ve been talking to you so much. He knows we’re just friends, but I think he’s lonely and I really need to concentrate on him for a while.”_ He had of course followed up by saying that if she needed him, she could still come to him, but she shook her head to herself, wracking her brains for someone to turn to, but coming up blank.

Scrubbing away the tears that were now blurring her vision, she reached in her drawer for a pen and flipped off the light in her room. Crawling into her bed, she pulled her covers over her head and slid under, using her phone to play a video of white noise, which only partially helped to drown out the voices downstairs.

In the dim light provided by her phone, she used a shaking hand to write messily on her wrist: “ _Do you ever feel like being born was a mistake, like you don’t have a place in the world?”_ She felt stupid the instant she reread the message, and debated going to the bathroom to wash the words off before Eric saw them. . But that would mean leaving her room, and that wasn’t happening until her parents finally decided to sleep, her father in the guest room and her mother in the bedroom, as always.

He answered after a few minutes. “ _What crawled up your ass?”_ She didn’t answer, the tears streaming down her face making it difficult to see his answer. After another few moments he wrote again. “ _Whatever, stop asking stupid questions.”_

She wiped her nose hastily, smudging some writing that was up near her hand. She was angry with herself for thinking that he might care. “ _Nevermind.”_ She scribbled messily. “ _I’ll talk to you later.”_

His response was faster this time. “ _No. Talk to me, you pussy. You don’t say shit like that and disappear.”_

“ _Sorry. Rough night.”_ Was all she wrote in response.

“ _don’t u have like actual friends to talk to”_ He asked in his usual tactless manner. He probably didn’t even mean it to be an insult, which she found somewhat amusing.

 _“no they’re busy... don’t want to bother them”_ Now that he was consistently answering, she gave up on using her phone for light and instead turned on the lamp on her nightstand. It threw shadows across her room, which ordinarily would have been somewhat unnerving, but for the time being she paid them no notice.

 _“oh but ull fuckin bother me with it?”_ She barked out a bitter laugh at his response, figuring she’d just answer honestly.

_“I don’t. have. anyone else.”_

_“ur parents?”_ He asked, and she didn’t answer.

 _“Oh.”_ Came a few minutes later. Her throat tightened, knowing he’d figured her out so soon. _“They usually aren’t home anyway”_ she wrote quickly.

 _“but they are now?”_ Yeah, he knew exactly what was happening. It made her feel vulnerable in a way she’d avoided so far in this ‘relationship’.

 _“yea.”_ She answered. 

_“Did you ever see that Oprah show with the talking towel?”_ She stared at the question for a while, trying to figure out what on earth this had to do with anything. She _had_ seen that particular episode of Oprah, featuring the towel with the bloodshot eyes and funny voice.

_“yea?”_

_“I know him. He’s pretty cool. Kind of a douche when he gets too high though.”_ Heidi let out a small smile as she read the words.

_“Do you see him a lot?”_

_“nah, he works at the town’s dispensary. And if I try and go in, the lasers would shoot my nuts off.”_ Somehow she knew he wasn’t exaggerating. Knowing that the towel lived in South Park was hardly even a surprise. Maybe someday when she was old enough- because she wasn’t risking her junk being lasered off thanks very much- she’d go meet him. Just to say that she had.

 _“South Park is really fucked up, huh?”_ She asked, not really putting much thought into it.

_“Ha yeah”_

_“Honestly i’d take it over where i am now tho”_ The second she was able, she was going to get out of this house and away from the reach of her parents.

 _“Hey i’ve been to ethiopia i’m pretty sure thats worse.”_ He countered, and she snorted. What on earth was Eric Cartman doing in Ethiopia? _“Why the hell would you go to a third world country? I know you weren’t there doing charity work.”_

 _“Fuck you too, I’ll have you know I supplied them with hundreds of live turkeys for thanksgiving.”_ She really needed to learn to stop asking for clarification from him, it never made anything more clear. He seemed to be a magnet for bizarre situations, something that she found somewhat hilarious.

 _“I don’t think Ethiopia celebrates Thanksgiving.”_ She wrote back, doodling a turkey in one of the few open spaces left on her arm.

 _“Yeah but they fuckin celebrate having food to eat for once.”_ She supposed it was a good point. _“_

 _I guess.”_  As she answered, she realized that her parents had stopped arguing, maybe having even left the house entirely. Her arm was almost entirely covered in writing, and in one of the tiny spots left over she wrote “ _thanks.”_ She didn’t even wait for an answer before she dozed off, fast asleep, pen still in hand.

* * *

 

“Eric, Sweetie, are you in there?” Liane’s voice floated through his door, lilting and saccharine. Eric heaved a sigh through his nose, and continued his heist, driving the stolen cab car through the streets of Los Santos.

“Eric honey I really need to talk to you.” She said. “Mommy has to go to work soon so let me in.”

He willed her to leave, to keep whatever she was thinking to herself. She’d never been any use as a parent to him so far, and he didn’t expect that to change anytime soon.

“Eric Theodore Cartman.” She said one last time, impatience bleeding into her voice. “I know you’re in there, now open up or I’ll flip the breaker and force you out of there.”

_Bitch. She’d do it, too._

“Fine, whatever, come in.” He growled, mashing the pause button so that Trevor halted mid-lunge towards a passing pedestrian. The woman peeked in the door, smile as sickly sweet as always. Her long auburn hair was coiled into a bun at her nape, and her obscenely large pearls hung at her throat.

“Do you have time to talk?” She asked as she fully entered the room, crossing over to sit on his bed.

_Do I have a choice?_

“Sure yeah, what is it.” He said, more than asked.

“Well I couldn’t help but notice the writing on your arm lately.” She began, looking down to his arm where his soulmate’s writing peeked out from the edge of his sleeve. He had just scrubbed off the conversation from the night before an hour ago, and she had already written to him since then. They'd been talking more and more frequently since a few weeks ago when she had, surprisingly, come to him for help. Even if his soulmate hadn’t admitted as much. The thought of the words they’d shared made him feel a lot more satisfied than he could have expected. His soulmate, whoever she was, was not actually bad company these days. Distracted by these thoughts, Eric nearly forgot that his mother was in the room with him, still staring down at his wrist.

“Huh? Yeah- so what?” He asked defensively, pulling down on his sleeve to cover it entirely.

“So, I know that your school taught you about _soulmates_ ,” She said ‘soulmates’ as if it were a diseased word, “and I think maybe it’s time someone was a little more honest with you.”

Eric didn’t like where this was headed. He didn’t even answer, and instead checked his phone. He had a text from Kenny asking if he wanted to go on a ‘mickey-d-date’ later. He responded affirmatively, and his mother waited until he put his phone back down to continue speaking.

“Now, sweetie. Your school sets you up to believe that soulmates are some wonderful, magical, ideal partners, and that you have to be with them. That you have to love them, and that everything will be sunshine and rainbows. You’re not complete without them, or something like that.” She was still smiling, but it was entirely forced, not carrying over into her eyes.

“But I want you to know that you shouldn’t let that pressure get to you. You may have someone who writes to you, yes. But calling them your soulmate is a little… over the top. They’re really not anything special. They’re actually very constricting, and they strip away your freedom.” She looked at him earnestly, as if searching his face for understanding.

In reality, Eric was pissed. He knew his mom was stupid, but this was just ignorant. Selfish, even. What kind of mother would try and bring their child down to their level rather than admit their own mistakes? Did she really want him to ignore his soulmate just so she wouldn’t be alone? He grit his teeth, the only sign that he was about to let loose.

“Remind me again what happened to _your_ soulmate?” He asked, feigning innocence, despite already knowing. Everyone in the entirety of South Park knew. But there was no way he was going to let her make excuses for something that was entirely her doing.

“We broke up.” She said shortly, smile flickering. “Like I said, it wasn’t meant to be.” Eric narrowed his eyes at her.

“Oh, so was that _after_ you cheated on him?” He asked, a grim smile on his face. She winced, looking an equal mixture of shocked and indignant.

“Excuse me?” She said, holding a hand to her heart atop her azure cashmere sweater.

“Did your soulmate leave you because it wasn’t meant to be, or because you slept with other men in his own bed, mom?” Eric pushed again, relishing the pain in her eyes. Good. Let her hurt. Just like his own father had hurt, pain so deep and raw that he had skipped town to escape from it.

“You’re being very cruel.” She said, now crossing her arms across her chest. She wasn’t looking at him anymore, eyes fixed instead on a blank stretch of wall behind him.

“Or maybe he left because of the cocaine, mom? The heroine, the ecstasy?  You think maybe that’s it?” Fuck, it felt good to finally say this shit- but at the same time he got increasingly angry at the woman sitting beside him. He called her mom, but she was no mother. She just liked to play pretend on days she wasn’t busy being an escort to half the town.

This time, he pressed on without waiting for her to respond. “Or maybe it was just your rotten personality, _Liane._ ” He hissed. “Maybe instead of blaming the universe for your failed marriage, you should just accept that you aren’t worthy of having a soulmate.”

“How dare you.” She would have slapped him if he hadn’t caught her wrist and wrenched it to the side, not caring when she let out a pained gasp.

“How dare _me?_ ” He growled, standing up so he was towering over her. “How dare _you._ You're so self absorbed that you’d rather believe the universe is out to get you rather than own up to your own fucking choices. Dad was perfect to you, _you_ made him leave. It’s your fault. Soulmates don’t just leave each other, mom. You raised me to feel sorry for you, to wonder if soulmates were a myth. Well fuck you, mom. I have a soulmate, and I’m not gonna fuck it up like you did.”

He realized he was still crushing her wrist in his hand and dropped it as if it were an animal carcass. She was glaring up at him with a rage that matched his, eyes glinting the same fiery gold as his own.

“What, gonna try and hit your own son again?” He goaded her, almost wishing she would. But he knew what came next, it was always the same. She’d play the victim, and expect him to apologize, to feel sorry for her. Well fuck that.

“You are heartless.” She said, and as predicted she fell into her role of abusee and beginning to cry, quietly. He was glad. _She deserves to cry. Deserves to be miserable. Fuck, I hate her._

“If I’m heartless then I got it from you, mom.” He said. “Now spare me your self pity lectures from now on and leave me the fuck alone. I don’t want any of your advice, now or ever.” He strode over to his door and held it open, pointedly glaring at the pathetic woman- his unfortunate mother. For a moment, she didn’t move, just sat there moping. But when she realized that Eric wasn’t going to play her game, she ‘miraculously’ stopped crying and gathered herself. Avoiding all eye contact, she exited the room like an obstinate child who’d just been chastised.

_Not too far from the truth, really._

Eric closed the door firmly behind her, locking it before returning to his desk chair. Suddenly, beating up hookers and robbing banks no longer sounded fun to him. His mom tended to have that effect on him, draining his will to live, and this was worse than ever. Grunting in dissatisfaction, he shut down his computer and fished a bic pen from his pocket.

He hesitated before he actually started writing, but the sound of his mother leaving for work (read: fucking married men for money) made him even more determined to make this soulmate shit work.

* * *

 

“ **You got a favorite flower or something? That’s shit I need to know at some point to seduce you.”**

Heidi stared at her arm for five, maybe ten minutes before she answered. What the hell was he getting at?

“ _wHAT”_

“ **just realized I never asked.”**

“ _what… i’m… peonies? i don’t freaking know”_

“ **Do you even like flowers? I should have asked that first. Or should I get chocolate? Or do you not like it? Figures my soulmate is a heathen, who doesn’t like chocolate?”**

She had no idea what was happening. And this, she knew for a fact due to keeping logs of everything he wrote, was the first time he’d ever even called her his soulmate. Her face felt hot as she replied, eyebrows knit together in confusion.

“ _what is happening, you’ve literally never called me your soulmate before!?”_

**“well shit, I try and get to know you and you bust my balls over calling you my soulmate. I mean. Dammit. It’s what you are, right? And it’s not as if I know your actual name, so… whatever.”**

This, at least, was more in character for Eric. Relaxing somewhat into her nest of bedding, her face still red, she grinned a little as she responded.

“ _see, there’s the grumpy soulmate behavior I’m used to! n’ I told you to call me Heath.”_

**“fuck you, I’m not gonna call you by your pseudonym.”**

“ _................................call me maybe?”_

“ **..yeah okay maybe talking to you was a bad idea. if you’re just going to meme at me and be a bitch about me trying to get to know you then I’m out.”**

She reread the words on her arm. _Maybe his efforts would be sweet… if I was literally any other girl on earth. Does he really think I’m that easily won over? That simple?_ It kind of hurt, in a place that was a lot closer to her heart than she had anticipated.

“ _if you wanna know more about me then stop assuming I’m like other girls who can be won over with superficial bullshit and treat me like an actual equal.”_

“ **I have to assume. How the hell am I supposed to know the truth when you’re always lying to me?”**

_“I stopped lying to you a long time ago.”_

She was caught off guard by her own words, not really realizing until this moment that it was true- she hadn’t tried to pull any bullshit with Eric in a long time. Sure, every now and then she’d tease him, but mostly she just had sincere, if not chaotic, conversations with him.

“ **How am I supposed to know that? It’s too easy to lie like this. Maybe you do like chocolate and you’re too stubborn to admit it**.”

Heidi giggled to herself. Damn, he was ridiculous. And obviously had major trust issues- which admittedly was probably half her fault.

“ _I do like chocolate FYI.”_

_“and listen, I’m sorry for lying. There. I won't say it again."_

“ **sorry what was that? its a little hard to read.** ”

“ _what? I don’t remember what we were talking about.”_

“ **we’re talking about what i can do to get in your pants.** ”

“ _oh that’s right you were being a bitch.”_

“ **fuck you!** ”

“ _omg how many times do i have to say no?”_

“ **......you’re unbearable.** ”

Heidi wasn’t bothered by the insult. Despite whatever the hell was going on with him trying to “seduce her” there was at least some of Eric left in there. And even if she’d never, ever admit it to anyone else, that was comforting to her.

“ _listen. what we have here? it's supposed to be like cosmic shit, like destiny and whatnot. hypothetically, all you have to do is be you, and it's gonna work in your favor. so stop trying so damn hard, loser.”_

“ **In that case: screw you, I’m going home.** ”

“ **and goodnight, or whatever.** ”

This time she let out a loud bark of laughter.

“ _night.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support given, it means so much to me! And thanks again to the usual, Angel and Cori for inspiring me, Harm for being my beta, and Yijasha for giving me glimpses into Eric's head. Seriously, so much of the Eric comes from her. Thanks babes. <3
> 
> Thank you again for reading, let me know what you thought. xx  
> Fuck count: 28


	3. Infiltrate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10th grade is short- but important. Don't worry, 11th grade is massive, so look forward to that!
> 
> So much appreciation for all the help I've gotten so far, I love you guys so much. Enjoy~
> 
> (Usual warnings for Eric, South Park, etc.)

## 10th Grade:

“What do you mean he’s not here?” Heidi asked, hazel eyes narrowing. She knew she was on time, they had just confirmed it when she was at the bus stop in North Park.

“I don’t know,” Kyle said shrugging, “He took off on his bike about twenty minutes ago.”

“What the fuck, Ike?” She said, mostly to herself. “The damn bus isn’t going to be back for four hours.” She clenched her backpack straps in her hands.

“Maybe he’ll be back soon.” Kyle offered kindly.

“Yeah, maybe.” She said doubtfully.

“Do you wanna come wait inside?” He asked, opening the door wider. Heidi’s heart turned, she loved this family so much.

“I uh- I guess.” She answered tentatively. She stepped inside, slipped off her shoes, and hung her coat up out of pure habit. Once she had finished doing that, she just kinda stood there awkwardly, unsure of what to do with herself.

“Do you like Batman?” Kyle asked, looking amused at how lost she was. “You can watch with us until he gets home. We just started the Dark Knight.” _Hopefully by “us” he means his parents._

“Yeah, I like Batman.” She said finally, letting out a small smile. “So I guess I can do that- yeah.” She picked at some lint on her sweater sleeve.

She had a strong suspicion that Ike had planned this, and the only reason he’d desert her was…

Yep. Taking up half the couch, hand resting in an open bag of cheesy poofs, was Eric. _Fucking Ike, why am I friends with him again?_

“Heidi’s gonna chill with us until Ike gets back.” Kyle said, reaching down and grabbing an already opened gatorade bottle before settling down into an armchair to the right of the couch. Stan was on the lazyboy on the other side of Eric, sipping from a beer despite only being sixteen.

Eric’s gaze rested on her and she resisted a gulp at the way his eyebrows were raised in amusement. She felt like a canary sitting next to a lion as she sat down on the couch next to him, pulling her long legs up to her chest. _When did he get so damn tall?_

“Hey.” She said softly, waggling her fingers at Stan and Eric as she casually pulled a blanket from the back of the couch and tugged it around herself. Eric was still watching her, a smirk on his face, and she felt herself flush. Fuck. His amber eyes were filled with amusement and she just stuck her tongue out at him and then turned to face the TV, which was paused on the opening bank heist scene.

Kyle started the movie back up, and Heidi did her best to just focus on Heath Ledger as he did his ‘magic’ pencil trick.

As somewhat of an afterthought, she took out her phone. She turned the brightness all the way down before she texted Ike to ask him where the fuck he was. He didn’t answer. If Kyle hadn’t seen him leave, she would’ve worried about him, but for now she just waited.

She was eternally grateful that the Broflovskis kept their basement cold, because not until she glanced over at Eric and noticed the small patch of writing on his left arm, did she realize how careful she’d have to be now that she was spending an extended amount of time around him.

She also needed to stop peeking at him, because there was no way he hadn’t noticed by now. It was like her eyes had compasses in them and he was true north: she didn’t even try to look at him it just kept happening. Every time she looked at him she noticed more: his posture, his bone structure, his expressions, even his breathing.

Luckily the boys started imitating Batman’s raspy voice, seeing who could do it the best and eventually she stopped worrying about Eric sitting next to her and allowed herself to giggle at how stupid they sounded.

When the movie had ended and Stan and Kyle had gone to the kitchen on a snack run, Heidi turned to Eric, feeling cozy and secure in her little blanket nest and therefore also feeling brave enough to face him.

“I heard that you used to be a vigilante yourself.” She teased, letting a small grin creep across her face. For a brief moment he looked surprised, but that was soon replaced by a smug smirk.

“Hell yeah I was, the Coon,” He pronounced it as _keuuun,_ “I used to totally kick ass. I mean, I still totally kick ass but back then especially.” He corrected himself.

“Oh really?” Heidi said, giggling a little. He seemed spurred on by her reaction, and his smile grew a little wicked.

“Hell yeah, I allied with Cthulu at one point even. Man, those were the days. Too bad he doesn't live in our universe anymore.” He looked wistful.

“I remember seeing that on the news.” Heidi said, smiling despite herself. “You totaled San Francisco, right?”

“I think so?” He was completely aloof about this fact. “Honestly I got into a _lot_ of shit when I was younger. It’s hard to keep it all straight.”

“Why don’t you do that kind of stuff anymore?” Heidi asked, curious. She kind of figured that he’d still be causing trouble in his spare time, but he was talking like a retired vigilante. Which… she supposed he was.

“I’m tryin’ to go to law school so I have to get good grades in order to get scholarships and shit.”  He said, sounding only moderately boastful, and Heidi blinked at him. This was news to her. He’d never mentioned this to her before.

“You’re gonna be a lawyer?” She asked. The more she thought about it, the more sense it made- he was ambitious, hard hitting and heaven knows he had enough self confidence.

“Hell yeah.” He said, smirking. “This way I can lock criminals up without the police crawling up my ass.”

“That and he fucking loves arguing.” Stan said, having come back downstairs. He tossed Eric a mountain dew and then proffered Heidi a root beer. “I didn’t know what you wanted so I just picked something.”

“Root beer is fine, thanks,” she said, touched that they were so welcoming of her.

“Fuck you Stan! Now I can’t say I don’t love arguing without it being an argument!” Eric protested, and Stan laughed, disappearing back up the stairs. He came down again a moment later clutching another beer and setting down a gatorade on Kyle’s chair carefully. Popping the bottle cap off with his teeth, Stan sprawled back into his chair.

Only a few seconds passed before Kyle was down as well, his arms laden with assorted chips, candy, and cookies. He dropped them all on the coffee table messily. “Dig in.” He said before walking over to switch the movie to the Dark Knight Rises. Once it was started up he snatched up his gatorade and sat down. Stan crawled over, one hand still holding his beer, and the other grabbing a handful of oreos before continuing over to Kyle, where he settled between his legs on the ground.

“You need to lay off the beer, pal.” Kyle said softly, smiling down at the other boy. Oh yeah- Ike had told her that the two were soul mates, but she always forgot because they weren’t often affectionate in public. Supposedly, they were attempting to resist fate, living as ‘bromates’ rather than soulmates- but from Heidi’s point of view they seemed pretty damn gay for each other. They were sweet, she decided. Even if they were in denial, in moments like these they were what soul mates were supposed to be.

“Now I haven’t seen this one yet.” Kyle then said to the group as a whole. “So don’t fucking spoil it.” He looked at Eric in particular, who smirked and put his hands up in the air in a defensive pose.

“Why are you lookin at me, Kahl? I’ve never spoiled a movie in my entire life.” His tone would have been believable if he was anyone else. But even the reaction from Kyle said enough, the large indignant snort practically resonating through the floor of the basement.

“Fuckin bullshit, dude.” Kyle spat at him.

“You guys are talking through the beginning.” Stan said, sounding more amused than irritated. “Eric, don’t be a douche, Kyle, don’t provoke him.” He sounded like a mother, Heidi thought.

“Quit tryin’ to be my mom, Stan.” Eric said, and Heidi felt both amused and disturbed by how he seemed to have read her mind.

As often happened in this group, there was now a slight tension between Eric and the others. Maybe they were comfortable with it by now, but it made Heidi anxious, so as soon as a scene with Bane popped up, she grunted a little and said “I’d fuck Tom Hardy ten ways to Sunday, holy shit.”

“I know right?” Stan said without taking his eyes off the screen. “No offense Kyle- but I’d let Bane break me anyday.”

“Just let me join.” Kyle said with a small grin.

“Just let **_me_ ** die.” Eric said, sighing heavily and glaring at all three of them.

“More of a Catwoman fan?” Heidi asked him, finally gathering enough courage to forage in the snacks herself and claim a bag of spicy sweet chili doritos.

“Please, that slut is practically throwing herself at batman, she’s pathetic.” Eric wrinkled his nose. “She doesn’t even have nice tits.”

“Nobody’s tits look big when they’re in spandex.” Heidi says, having to force herself to not cross her arms self consciously. _Wonder what Eric would think of the fact that his soulmate is pretty much flat chested?_ “Unless they’re fake, I guess.”

“Well anyway.” He said, “Her blonde friend is the hot one. Obviously.”

“Ah, so you like the sleazy blonde slut, not the cool crime fighting slut.” Heidi said, laughing. “Gotcha.”

“Yer damn right.” He said cockily, no shame at all. The other boys didn’t even respond, apparently accustomed to Eric’s shit.

 

* * *

 

The movie ended and Ike still wasn’t back. Heidi had almost fallen asleep towards the end, the movie was great but she was very warm and had a stomach full of junk food, which was pretty much a direct recipe for a nap.

Kyle and Stan had actually disappeared about halfway through the movie. Judging by how insistently Stan had yanked Kyle upstairs, the amount of scenes with shirtless Christian Bale had been too much for the two. And she was _not_ about to follow after them. This however meant that she was once again one on one with Eric, who was playing some game on his phone as the credits rolled down the TV’s screen.

“Do they ditch you like this a lot?” She asked him, curiously. It kind of seemed like he’d forgotten she was there, or maybe he was just surprised she’d stuck around even though the movie had ended.

“Uh, yeah, I guess.” He said, rolling his eyes. “Those fuckers can’t keep it in their pants longer than a few hours.”

“I thought so.” She said, nodding. Looking at her phone to see the time, she sighed. “I should probably go. If I don’t make this next bus I’ll have to wait another hour for the next one.” He didn’t answer, but he had put his phone back in his pocket, and she made no move to leave. “Those are probably my favorite of all the Batman movies. I’m a little bummed I missed Batman Begins, though. People always say it's the most boring of the three but I think it’s just as good.”

“Yeah we totally didn’t watch it, Kyle didn’t have it.” Eric said, laughing. “I don’t think I even paid attention to it when I _did_ watch it.”

“It’s good!” Heidi insisted, “It explains how Batman is so OP, and that he’s not just some rich guy who’s freakishly good at beating people up.”

“You mean he’s not?”

Aware that she was wading into total nerd territory, she huffed in indignation. “No, he’s not. People give him shit all the time, but he kept up with the Justice League even though he has no superhuman abilities. Money can’t buy you the kind of reflexes and intelligence that Bruce Wayne has. It just helped him in the same way that video game characters use armor to boost their skills. Armor only goes so far if you don’t have the fortitude and build to back you up!”

“You really like Batman, huh?” Eric asked, looking as if he was amused by her and judging her at the same time.

“Yeah I guess I do.” She grinned at him, unabashed. “Everyone else is flipping dick about the avengers, but batman is where it's at. As long as you ignore the Ben Affleck stuff.”

“Please.” Eric said, suddenly looking grim. “Do not talk to me about Ben Affleck.”

“Uh, okay?” Heidi said, looking a bit confused.

“Thanks.” He said. “South Park for whatever reason is a celebrity magnet and he was not one of my favorites, to put it very, very lightly. Fuckin creepy ass douchebag.”

“What other celebrities have you met?” Heidi attempted to change the subject.

Eric’s smirk returned. “Where do you want me to start: Kanye West the gay fish, Britney Spears with no head, or the ‘Oh Long Johnson’ talking cat?”

“Can I say all of them?” Heidi asked, giggling.

 

* * *

 

Ike had come home hours later, surprised to find Heidi downstairs, talking animatedly with Eric about Al Gore and his obsession with manbearpig.

“Heidi?” Ike asked, cautiously. She jumped a little and looked around, having almost forgotten where she was.

“Ike, where the fuck were you?” She said once she saw him, glowering suspiciously. He looked like a kid who had just assembled a long and complex lego set and who was now sitting back looking at the completed product in satisfaction.

“C’mon, I’ll tell you about it upstairs.” He beckoned. She stared at him for a moment, deciding whether or not she was sour enough towards him to ignore his request. Finally, though, she pushed herself up from the couch, stretching as she’d been sitting there for half the day.

“See you around, Eric.” She said, smiling gently at the boy.

“Tch, whatever.” He waved her off, already looking at something on his phone.

Once she and Ike were alone in his room, Heidi rounded on him. “Don’t even try to tell me that wasn’t intentional, you little shit!” She glared at him.

“Well yeah it was intentional.” He laughed, amused by her accusation. “But from the looks of it, it was also successful.” He said the last part with such smugness that Heidi had to remind herself she cared about him and therefore should not strangle him.

“You’re so lucky they were watching Batman.” She hissed.

“Eh, lucky, left the dvds out on the couch, same thing.” Ike shrugged, his smile turning a bit impish.

“You are an bad, manipulative person.” Heidi scolded him, but there was no malice behind her words.

“You keep telling me.” Ike said, flopping down onto his bed. “Do you need a ride home or what? Maybe Eric could dr-” he shut up when she grabbed his pillow and smacked him across the face.

 

* * *

 

Heidi was at her desk studying, when she heard her phone vibrate from underneath a stack of papers. Fishing it out, she stuck her pencil in her mouth as she unlocked the screen, eyebrows furrowing at the unknown number.

 **unknown** : hey i got ur number from ike- just saw batman begins is on netflix wanna watch it this saturday

Heidi stared at her phone. Was this… Eric? It had to be, she had just gushed to him about Batman Begins, afterall. She couldn’t believe that he had been listening enough to remember, though.

 **Heidi** : Uh, Eric?

 **Unknown** : o lol yeah its eric. so yes, no?

She knew it was a bad idea. She knew that she’d be playing right into Ike’s hands, and she knew that he was awful and she shouldn’t be spending any more time with him than she had to.

Heidi_Ledger: Ike did you give Eric my number?

Heidi_Ledger: he just texted me asking to hang out

**Canadian_God: no but i gave it to kyle so im guessing he did**

Heidi_Ledger: why the fuck would Kyle help Eric

**Canadian_God: ya right like kyles gonna miss a chance to pawn cartman off onto someone else**

He had a point. It made Heidi almost uncomfortable, thinking about the boys who were supposed to be Eric’s friends, so eager to get rid of him. Granted, Eric probably deserved it entirely. He was a menace to everyone in his life, friends included. But still. Maybe he was lonely.

Ike wouldn’t be encouraging this if he was _that_ dangerous, right? And it wasn’t as if she was going to tell him they were soulmates or anything. They were just gonna watch Batman, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Right? _I’m putting way too much thought into this._

 **Heidi:** yeah, sure. You live next to Kyle, right?

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck count: 41


	4. Detonate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is HUGE, but it's important! I worked really, really hard on it.
> 
> Thanks for all the support, it means the world to me.
> 
> Let me know what you think! xx

**** 11th Grade:

For a solid eight weeks, Heidi went to the school library every day to work on her scholarship paper. It was a thesis about sustainable life on Mars, and she had gone as far as to drop out of cheerleading in order to finish it in time for the deadline. She hadn’t seen Ike for months, and even Eric was on a back burner for the time being. 

The scholarship was a full ride to University of Colorado Denver, which would begin next year, allowing her to skip the last year of high school and get a shuttle bus every morning to the University for college level classes, on the dime of the school. On top of that the scholarship extended to the entire four years needed to earn most degrees, which was incredible.

Heidi knew that she was going far above and beyond what the requirements were for the assignment, but she just kept concentrating on the vision of going to classes out of town, and she felt determined that she just  _ had _ to win.

Wendy was the one who encouraged her to do it, even suggesting Heidi continue the research Wendy had done on Mars for class and giving her a running start on the rest of the people participating. Despite the rift that had opened between them earlier in high school, the girls now called each other nearly every night to discuss Heidi’s game plan. It meant a lot to her, and she was really grateful that Wendy had been thoughtful enough to push her to finish this.

It was four days before the deadline, and Heidi was at the public library, standing in front of a huge whiteboard covered in numbers and symbols.  It had taken around a month to understand the majority of this one equation- Wendy had gotten it directly from Elon Musk himself, after having written to him pleading to let Heidi take a crack at it. Heidi had learned of its existence from some obscure reddit post and it had inspired her entire thesis. When Wendy forwarded her the email with the equation in it, she had been dumbstruck.

This wasn’t like the stupid Science Fair where she’d lost to Ike. This was legitimately the most work Heidi had ever put in to anything. 

Remembering the science fair, Heidi thought somewhat fondly of emoji analysis and how proud she had been of it. Staring up that the symbols, Heidi thought of all the correlations she had to pull together in order to write the successful algorithms. She’d always been good at drawing connections, but having the data in the format of emojis had just really made a lot of sense to her.

She squinted a little at the data in front of her, and tried to imagine certain parts into the familiar emoji patterns from her childhood. Making sure to take a picture first to preserve her original work, she grabbed her handful of dry erase markers and began to replace pieces of the formula with emojis. She kept expecting to hit a roadblock along the way, but she didn’t, and a few hours later she was staring up at a chaotic cloud of faces, plants, animals, objects, and buildings. 

“You really think this is going to work?” Wendy asked from behind her, looking just as exhausted as Heidi. She had shown up a while ago with coffee and sandwiches, claiming she had a gut feeling Heidi was almost finished.

“It’s... “ Heidi said, hesitantly. “Wendy it  _ did _ work. I think…” She used her fist to rub off a few symbols and switch them around. “I think if I translate this back now… I’m done.” 

“No kidding?? You’re amazing!” Wendy gushed, beaming at Heidi. “Hurry- try it and see!” Heidi nodded, turning excitedly back to the whiteboard and getting to work. Another hour passed, and the board was back to recognizable math, only now when Heidi analyzed it, she felt her eyes fill with tears- tears of relief, pride, and elation. She turned to Wendy and practically threw herself into her arms, sobbing. 

“I did it, Wends, I did it!” She cried, quickly standing back up and taking a picture of the equation before something could happen to it. 

“You totally did, I’m so proud of you!” Wendy sounded equally as elated. “Now, you need to rest. You still have four days after this, where you can finish up the paper and send it in. Tonight you should get some sleep, you deserve it.” 

As if the word ‘sleep’ had set off a switch in Heidi’s brain, she suddenly realized just how exhausted she was. Having this equation finished was a gargantuan weight lifted from her shoulders, and she continued to sniffle happily even as she and Wendy packed up her things. 

“Thank you for believing in me.” Heidi said, feeling embarrassed about how sappy she was being. They were sitting in Wendy’s car, at the end of Heidi’s driveway. “Nobody has ever done anything like this for me before.” 

“No problem, Heidi.” For a long moment Wendy smiled at her, her perfect teeth practically glittering in the light of the street lamp. It was a smile so big it almost looked forced. She must have been even more tired than she was letting on- and yet she’d still come out to help. This warmed Heidi’s heart even more, and she giggled as she got out of the car and waved goodbye to the girl as she drove off.

Heidi couldn’t sleep. There was no way, the adrenaline rushing through her was too intense- but she felt much less rushed than before, less frantic. She could approach the end of this ordeal with a calm head.

The next few days she had written through all of her classes, reading her work over and over and over again until she had all twenty pages memorized. She turned it in the evening before the due date, a Friday, and after she had sent the final email, she collapsed into her bed. She fell asleep immediately, dreams pulling her off to her future college career, where she’d leave this entire town behind her.

* * *

 

The two weeks leading up to the announcement of who won the scholarship were absolute torture for Heidi. Wendy had resumed cheerleading, but Heidi hadn’t really felt interested in rejoining the team, so she instead spent most of her time anxiously annoying Ike and watching Wendy from the bleachers. 

The morning of, Heidi woke up especially early, actually driving to school for once so that she could wait at the school entrance. She was surprised to see Wendy there as well, and she greeted her with a nervous grin, trembling from anticipation. The smile she got back wasn’t exactly reassuring, and she was about to ask her if something was wrong when the janitor unlocked the doors to let them in. 

Wendy went to stop at her locker, but Heidi didn’t even bother, going straight to the front office. The principal, a wiry intimidating woman named Mrs. Jeremy, was standing there, looking down at a letter in her hands with a stony expression.

Mrs. Jeremy looked up and when she saw Heidi, she forced her face into a weak smile. “Hello, Ms. Turner.” She said. “I actually need to talk to you about something.” Heidi’s heart leapt, and she flushed red, heart somehow pounding even harder in her chest.

“Yeah, sure!” She said, wrapping her hands in her long sleeves, as she often did when she was anxious. Surely this meant that she had won? I mean, of course she had, she had created a sustainable energy source for NASA to travel to Mars. How could she not have won?

But as Mrs. Jeremy ushered her into the small office, she looked uncannily grim. She shut the door behind them before going to sit in her large old fashioned armchair, which looked comically menacing in a building that strived to appear modern in all other regards. She threaded her fingers together on the desk, which only added to the effect, and Heidi let out a nervous giggle on accident. The principal did not look amused.

“I just got a letter back from the Scholarship program.” She said, finally. Heidi felt like she might faint. 

“Yes?” She asked with a small voice, feeling very small in her own plastic chair.

“You don’t have any idea what it could have been about?” The woman prodded, and Heidi frowned a bit, feeling baffled by how the conversation was going.

“Um, hopefully that I won?” Another nervous laugh.

Mrs. Jeremy now looked downright sour. “Mrs. Turner. This letter informed me of a submission from one of the female students at this school. It was extremely impressive, but it came with a cover letter that made them very concerned.” She looked as if Heidi was supposed to know what she was getting at, but she just felt even more lost. She hadn’t sent a cover letter, had they gotten the wrong name by mistake? Was she being mistaken for someone else? A lump formed in her throat at the idea of being led along only to find out the win belonged to someone else.

“Ma’am, I didn’t submit a cover letter.” She said carefully, trying to keep her face as neutral as possible.

“I didn’t mean you.” Mrs. Jeremy said abruptly, opening a folder and shutting it again as if double checking her information before she continued. “I was talking about a Ms. Wendy Testaburger, who wrote to inform her concerns about a classmate who she suspected would attempt to steal her work and pass off her project as their own.” 

The words seemed to float around in Heidi’s head for a moment before she could actually comprehend what they meant. Stolen…  _ Wendy’s work? _ She began to feel heat creep up her spine and cheeks, panic licking at the corners of her vision.

“There must be some mistake.” She said, voice coming out louder than she meant it to. “This project was mine. Wendy was there a lot of the time, but I did all of the work.”

“She said that you were asking for all of her notes, and often followed her to the library to watch her write and work out the equations. She said she tried to encourage you to pursue your own project, but that you wouldn’t listen. She was concerned that as she was influenced by your emoji analysis you developed when you were younger, that you would try and take credit for this as well.”

Heidi couldn’t breathe. She was getting tunnel vision, and she had only half thought she was close to fainting earlier but now it was a genuine concern. This was a nightmare, surely there were some wires crossed somewhere along the lines. It didn’t make any sense, Wendy had pushed Heidi so hard to do this. She had told her how she was the only one in the school smart enough to follow the project to the end… Only now did this raise a flag in Heidi’s brain. 

“She’s lying.” She said, and in sharp contrast to her last statement, this one was barely audible in its softness. She cleared her throat, and tried again, forcefully swallowing the lump in her throat. “She’s lying!”

“Ms. Testaburger has extremely detailed records of all her research, as well as written out explanations of every equation and every process. And when she sent everything in, she warned them that you might try and replicate the project under your own name. Which turned out to be a valid concern, considering that you turned in a nearly identical paper.” She pulled two packets out of the folder and laid them in front of Heidi. One of them was instantly recognizable- her own, carefully formatted and labelled. She could have recited it verbatim, she’d spent so long on it. The other report she’d never seen before, but Wendy’s name glared up at her from the paper. She pulled this one towards herself, and thumbed through it.

“This is my work.” She said loudly, even as a sharp pain grew in her chest. “She rewrote it in her handwriting, but this is  _ my _ work! I have just as much documentation as she does! How could you just believe her over me?”

“Ms. Turner, please lower your voice.” Mrs. Jeremy said evenly. “I would be more sympathetic to your case if it weren’t for some glaring facts that Wendy presented in her letter. For instance: who contacted Elon Musk to get the formula?”

“Wendy.” Heidi said quietly, wanting to vomit as she thought things over.

“Who did the project in class about Mars, prior to this submission?” 

“Wendy.” Heidi said, fists clenching in her lap.

“Lastly, Ms. Testaburger presented this photo, which explains how she translated the equation into emojis based on your prior work. She said that you had copied her results, but she hadn’t let you see the actual emoji version.” She flipped through the report to a picture of the board filled with emojis. 

“I made that!” Heidi said incredulously, pulling her phone out of her pocket and opening up her gallery. “I took pictures while I did it! I…” She paused, as she switched between two pictures- one of the original equation, and another of the final equation. Why hadn’t she taken a picture of the emojis? She thought back to that night, to Wendy bringing her coffee, praising her,  _ eagerly encouraging her to translate it back to make sure that it had worked. _ She must have gotten a picture at some point, without Heidi noticing.

The realization that Wendy must have orchestrated this entire ordeal finally hit Heidi like a wall. She felt as if she couldn’t breathe as the room grew smaller and smaller around her, and her hands began to tremble, even as she clasped them together. The betrayal was like a thick smog, and it clogged her lungs and mouth until she was choking.

She had no way of proving Wendy wrong. She had no other friends that were around to back her up. She had worked alongside Wendy for so long, had confided in her. She had felt supported, felt confident, felt appreciated. Now, as she suffocated in front of her school principal, she felt used.

“I’m afraid I have to suspend you for ten days, and then a month of detention once you return. You’ll also have to take a summer course on honesty and integrity in education.” The principal said solemnly. “You’re lucky this was your first offense, plagiarism is a huge offense in schools these days, as I would have thought you’d have known by now. If you’d been in any similar trouble prior to this you would have been expelled entirely.”

She said this as if it would be of some comfort to Heidi, who was still incapable of answering, too focused on pulling breath into her lungs. She seemed to look at something over Heidi’s shoulder, through the front windows of the office, and Heidi reflexively looked behind her.

Sitting in a chair, legs crossed and hands daintily clasped in her lap, was Wendy fucking Testaburger. At the sight of the delicate girl so calmly sitting there, Heidi’s panic attack evaporated, leaving a seething, furious rage in its wake. She nearly gasped as her lungs began to work again, sending the oxygen through her body and heightening her senses. It was as if her brain was fueled by this sudden anger, suddenly feeling very clear and focused.

“Am I done here?” She asked the principal flatly, standing up without waiting for a response. She realized now just how much taller she was than this woman, and wondered why she’d ever been scared of her to begin with.

“Yes, I will contact your parents, but you are dismissed from class for ten days, starting today.” She no longer even had the grace to appear bothered by the situation now that it had passed.

“Okay. Cool.” Was all Heidi said, before grabbing her bag off the ground and slinging it onto her shoulder. 

When she exited the office, Wendy was looking anywhere but at her. This agitated Heidi even further, her anger feeling like sharp spines trying to escape her skin.

“Hey Wendy!” She spat out, stopping in front of the girl who had taken up years of her life just to ensure that when she pushed Heidi in front of the bus, she wouldn’t have any legs to fall back on. Heidi didn’t even wait for a response before she pulled her arm back and punched Wendy directly in the jaw. Her head thumped against the back of the chair and she yelped in distress, sounding not unlike an injured yorkshire terrier.

“Congratulations, Wendy.” Heidi said as the shorter girl cupped her injured cheek, having the audacity to look upset. “I’m glad you got the scholarship in Denver, because I never want to have to deal with your pathetic, thieving, underhanded bullshit ever again.” 

“Heidi Turner!” The principal called out from behind her, having followed her out of the office. Heidi whirled around to face her, sneering in contempt. Although a part of her wished she’d waited until they were alone so that she could hit the bitch again, standing up for herself felt fucking great.

“Am I expelled?” She asked, brashly. 

“I’m considering it.” Mrs. Jeremy said sharply, crossing her arms as if trying to assert her power over Heidi. 

“Do it then, I don’t fucking care!” Heidi said, expressing what she had been too panicked to say moments before in the stuffy office. “Then you can at least punish me for something I actually did!” 

Seeming to realize just how unhinged Heidi was becoming, the principal’s face softened a little. “Heidi, you need to leave. Come back when your suspension is over and we’ll discuss counseling for you to deal with this kind of explosive anger.”

She knew it. She fucking knew they wouldn’t have the balls to expel her. Suspected plagiarism? Pray for your life. Beating the shit out of your classmates? Nobody blinks an eye. Fucking public schools.

Scoffing, Heidi flipped both of the females in front of her the middle finger, backing out of the office while doing so. She had expected her anger to subside somewhat once she was alone, but it was still bubbling up inside her, a surplus of energy just waiting for her. 

Stopping by her locker to grab the few things she didn’t want to leave at school over her suspension, she left the school, getting to her car just as all the other students started arriving for the school day. Backing out from her spot, she heard a shriek and slammed on the brakes. 

Craning her neck to see out her rear window, she watched as a scrawny blonde boy practically climbed up the side of a dark haired boy whose glare towards Heidi could have melted iron. Heidi’s response was to lay on her horn, and she laughed bitterly as the blonde really did manage to get himself into the other boy’s arms, screeching again in terror. The taller of the two seemed at a loss for what to do, staring down at the boy he was now supporting with a somewhat soft expression. Heidi took advantage of his distraction, and made a quick 3 point turn, maneuvering around the two and peeling out of the parking lot.

When she got home she didn’t immediately get out of her dinged up camry, instead turning up the current song on the radio and closing her eyes, resting her forehead on the steering wheel. With no real target in sight, her rage was simmering down to a dull buzz. She almost instantly regretted letting the anger die out, because now her previous feeling of overwhelming panic was back, and she felt her cheeks flushing red with emotion as she thought back over the past few months of her life.

Hurriedly, she switched off her engine and scrambled out of the car, as if escaping the vehicle would also free her from the burden of facing the events of the day. But if anything, entering the silent house left her even more alone with her thoughts, and the emotions running through her were strong enough to make her nauseous. 

She felt certain that if she looked in a mirror right now, there would be a physical hole where her heart was located. There had to be- it was the only way it could hurt this badly. All the trust, admiration, and gratitude that she’d been housing towards Wendy had been ripped out by the roots in one swift motion, and in its absence she only felt raw and hollow pain.

This, on top of her lungs going on strike, forced Heidi to sit on the kitchen floor, back digging into a cupboard handle as she wrapped her arms around herself in an attempt to stay grounded. She didn’t cry, but her breathing was coming in sharp jagged bursts that sounded like sobs. 

She didn’t understand. She didn’t know what she did to deserve this. She didn’t know how to cope with this kind of agony, that was gnawing at every bone in her body. How could Wendy do this to her? Had she ever even cared about Heidi? All that time they’d spent together, when Heidi had confided in her… Had Wendy been pretending this entire time? Did she go home those nights and talk to her other friends about Heidi and how naive she was? 

_ Does she hate me? She has to, you wouldn’t do something like this to someone if there wasn’t some kind of bad feelings going on behind the scenes. Why would Wendy hate me? What did I do? Why was she such a fucking bitch? I hate  _ **_her._ **

And how did someone lie that well anyway? Heidi really did consider her one of her closest friends. How could she sit next to her every day and talk to her and be there for her? How could people  _ do that? _ And if Wendy was faking it, who else was? 

Her heart wrenched as she imagined Ike, complaining to his soulmate about this girl who had latched onto him in childhood and kept coming over and expecting him to stalk her soulmate with her. Now that she thought about it, why  _ would _ Ike want to be her friend? She was pretty selfish. No wonder he had pushed her towards Eric. He wanted to get rid of her. Everybody wanted to get rid of her. She knew for a fact that her parents would have been happier without having her.

She sat there on the cold tile, the sun only now high enough to start sending beams of light into the kitchen and somewhat blinding her. She was physically still, but mentally she was tumbling down a steep spiral, and she didn’t really know how to break her fall. The day was only just started and she already felt as if she’d been awake for five of them. 

Her eyes strayed to the fridge, where she had been building a small shrine of University of Denver paraphernalia. Groaning, she pulled herself to her feet and grabbed the trash can. It took one scoop for her to knock all of the things off of the magnetic surface and into the can, and she didn’t even bother pulling the magnets out from the pile, she just tied the bag and took it outside. 

She wanted to go to bed, to sleep away the rest of this terrible day, but she couldn’t bring herself to go to her room, where she’d hung drawings from Ike and pictures of the cheer squad on her walls. She didn’t want to be around anything that reminded her how naive she’d been to believe that people actually believed in her.

So instead, she locked herself in the spare bedroom, pulling back the bland, beige sheets on the bed and crawling underneath them. The lights in the kitchen were still on. The garage door was wide open. She still had her chuck taylors on, and yet she had already given up on the day. 

* * *

 

It didn’t even take a full two days of suspension for Heidi to get restless. She managed to sleep for the first 36 hours or so, but after that she just laid there, staring at the spackle on the ceiling and imaging they were cities made out of cloud, where only she lived, alone and undisturbed. Ike had tried messaging her every day, and Eric had even sent a few texts, but she’d turned off her phone early on and left it on the kitchen counter.

The only messages she  _ did _ bother responding to, was anything Eric wrote on her arm. Her responses weren’t the best, or most enthusiastic, but she didn’t want him to get suspicious if she went silent on both channels.

She still felt the hole in her chest, the pain so raw that she was afraid to touch it, for fear of reaching right through herself instead of finding a pulse. It was this thought that frightened her out of sleeping, and she began obsessing over it to the point of insomnia. She stayed awake for a good two days just focusing on the throbbing in her chest. She was petrified, so scared of this overwhelming pain and in a moment of particular weakness, she decided that maybe she should try getting just a teensy tiny bit tipsy. She didn’t drink much at all, but now seemed like a good time to start. That’s what everyone did in the movies, right? It had to help at least somewhat.

And honestly, it did. A glass of whiskey- which tasted horrendous and scalded her throat- was all it took for her to finally unwind, giggling to herself in her bedroom as she tore down all her pictures that contained Wendy. She wished she’d had a lock of her hair or something similar, so that maybe she could google some kind of voodoo ritual to do. Something to convince Wendy to fix her mess and come crawling back to her. Or better yet, just for Wendy to hurt as badly as she was. Yeah- that’d be perfect. Wendy couldn’t handle pain like this, the little bitch. Heidi laughed at the thought, she was so much stronger than her. Even if Wendy had won this time, Heidi didn’t care. She wouldn’t make the mistake of letting her guard down again.

Her house felt really warm. Was it always this warm? She pulled off her sweatshirt but she still felt hot, so she decided to go outside and walk for a while until the feeling went away. It was probably the alcohol anyway.

But first- she pounded another glass of whiskey, eyes watering at the burn in her throat. 

Walking in snow was harder than she expected. There were ice patches hidden under ice, the sneaky bastards, and she forgot this fact, over and over. Did she own any ice skates that fit her? Maybe she should have ice skated? Next time, she told herself. 

Her house was in a nicer neighborhood of North Park, her parents well off financially due to working literally all the time. They weren’t quite the status of the Black family down the road, who needed a guarded gate to protect their house. She never knew why they even bothered keeping the security guard, as he was a total fucking moron and couldn’t even keep nine year olds from getting past him.

Speaking of, it looked like said gate was actually open, and she didn’t see the idiot in his booth. Unless he was hiding. Heidi squinted her eyes suspiciously as she approached the gate, peeking in the window of the booth and accidentally bumping into the glass, leaving a smudge behind in the shape of her nose. She hastily wiped it away with her sleeve, because she wasn’t sure if you could identify someone from their nose print but she wasn’t risking it.

She heard a whistle from somewhere in the Black’s yard, and she looked in the direction of the sound, rubbing her eyes a bit. Standing on Token’s front walk was a kid with white blonde hair, flanked by a massive blue figure, as well as a kid in a letterman jacket who appeared to be the one trying to get her attention. Hesitantly, she lifted a hand in a wave, swaying a bit where she stood. The brunette in the jacket beckoned to her, and she warily approached. She realized she’d seen the two silent boys before, but she couldn’t pin where.

“Hey, you’re the asshole that almost ran us over!” The tall boy wearing a blue chullo said, without much malice in his nasally voice.

Ah, that was where she’d seen them.

“Heh, that’s me.” Heidi said, holding her hands up like they were arresting her. “S-Sorry about that, that was like, a really, really, shitty day. Like, exponentially ballsack day.” She finally got to the steps but instead of trying to climb them she stared at them woefully. These steps were like two feet tall each, she was certain. Why did the Black’s have stairs for giants? Fuck, her body was heavy. When did it get so heavy? Heidi wasn’t sure she liked whiskey very much.

The tiny blonde boy finally laughed, light sea green eyes crinkling at the edges while he flashed a toothy grin. “You’re fine, Craig’s just a- a mother hen.” Craig scowled at them indignantly, using both hands to flick them off and turning up his nose a bit. Heidi took this as his forgiveness.

“R’you Token’s friends or are y’all just partying on his doorstep for some, for some reason?” She tried so hard to talk fluidly but the words were chunky in her mouth and got caught on each other. Talking was so much  _ work. _

“Of course we’re friends, Token’s my  _ bromate. _ ” Said the bubbly brunette, using his fingers to make air quotes around the word. “I’m Clyde, and this is Tweek and his bodyguard Craig. I’d offer you a drink but I think you’ve got that covered.” He looked amused, and yet Heidi recognized concern in his eyes as well.

“Yeah I’m pretty fucked up.” Heidi admitted. “I’m a big giant mess these days. ‘Sides, you don’t want me partying with you. I’m a downer.” She stood up from the bottom step where she’d collapsed and made to leave, when the blonde- Tweek, grabbed her wrist softly.

“Hey, you seem like you nn- need someone to watch over you for a bit.” He said warmly, the slightest twitch flickering through his face. She had hazy memories of this boy as a child, and it was surprising to her how well he’d mellowed out. “Clyde, is Bebe still here?” He turned to ask.

“Hell yeah, let me grab her.” Clyde said cheerfully, and kicked open the front door carelessly,  as if he owned the place.

“Listen.” Heidi said to the remaining two, resting her chin on her hands, which were a step up from where she was sitting. She was somewhat folded in on herself, but she paid no mind to how crazy she looked. “I... Have had the worst week of my entire life, and I’m really sorry I almost flattened you in the parking lot. I’ve h-had a lot on my mind.” Her thoughts drifted to Wendy, and her lips turned down at the corners pathetically.

Craig seemed to relax a little now that he realized she wasn’t exactly a threat, now looking at her with a still mostly blank, but partially concerned expression. It was weird, she couldn’t even pick out what had changed in his face, but he definitely looked worried. Even if he also looked completely stoic the entire time. Weird.

“It’s fine.” He said finally. “Do you want to talk about it?” She could tell that this wasn’t a gesture he offered very often, and Tweek looked both startled and proud of the other boy. 

Heidi shook her head, she’d confided in Wendy and where had that gotten her? Literally here, shitfaced on her neighbor’s front steps, which were actually not as big as she had originally thought, and in fact now seemed abnormally small now that she was folded over them.

“Are these stairs changing size?” She asked, instead. “I swear they were just a lot bigger than they are now.”

“It’s entirely possible.” Tweek said solemnly, while Craig merely rolled his eyes, seemingly amused. “Crazy shit happens here all the time, but nobody believes me!” Tweek’s eyes were wide, and so beautiful in their cross between sky blue and mint green.

“I believe you.” She said softly. This guy was so sweet, she’d believe anything he said. Honestly, all of these boys seemed really sincere. But so had Wendy bitchhole Testaburger. Groaning, Heidi swiped away a few tears that had attempted to sneak out of her eyes unnoticed.

Tweek opened his mouth to answer when the front door swung open again and Clyde returned with what appeared to be the goddess Venus hanging off his arm. She had golden hair that fell all around her in perfect waves, and she seemed to radiate kindness. She made both Heidi and Wendy look like scarecrows in comparison.

“Heidi, right?” The girl asked, descending the stairs and sitting next to her. Heidi nodded dumbly, and now that she was closer she realized that this was probably not a Roman deity, and more likely her longtime classmate Bebe. “Are you doing okay, hon?”

“No.” Said Heidi honestly. “I’m doing so fucking bad, dude.”

“I uh, heard you got suspended.” Bebe said in her soft, soothing voice. “Is that why you’re upset?”

Clyde looked over to Craig and Tweek, and mouthed something like “ _ how the fuck does she know all this shit?”  _ Which only got a few shrugs in response.

Bebe was sweet. Heidi liked Bebe. But- but what if she was friends with Wendy too? Maybe she was just playing nice and Wendy was still behind the scene pulling strings and using Heidi as her own personal fucking marionette.

“Are you working for Wendy?” Heidi asked, narrowing her eyes at the other girl. Bebe looked surprised, and giggled openly.

“No, Heidi, I’m not working for Wendy. I haven’t talked to Wendy since elementary school. I thought she was  _ your  _ best friend, anyway.” Heidi flinched, and clenched her fists, pain reappearing in her chest as painful as stitches being ripped open.

“She’s not. My friend.” Heidi said, standing up suddenly. “I don’t- I don’t have friends here. My- my only friend doesn’t even live h-here and I haven’t talked to him and he probably doesn’t even like me e-either and, and... I’m gonna throw up-” she staggered over to the sidewalk and fell to her knees, retching. She didn’t want to get sick in front of these people, but her stomach was driving the car at the moment and she vomited, tears spilling from her eyes as she did.

She felt her hair being pulled gently from her face, and she heaved a few more times before just sitting there, crying loudly and openly. It was the first time she’d cried in years, Heidi  _ didn’t cry _ and yet the tears wouldn’t stop.

The hands left her head, but her hair stayed back, they must have ponytailed it for her, whoever it had been. Presumably Bebe. This was confirmed when she heard the girl’s voice bark “will one of you get water for God’s sake? She needs help!”

“Here.” Tweek was beside her, holding out a tissue and Heidi took it, wiping her eyes before she cleaned off her mouth. She carefully folded the tissue so that the mess was contained and then clenched it in her fist.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” She asked, so quietly that it barely traveled far enough for the two blondes to hear. Now that she’d thrown up a majority of the alcohol she felt a lot more sober,as well as humiliated. She wished Ike was there. She even wished Eric was there. She should talk to them. She knew they weren’t like Wendy. Probably nobody was like Wendy. Probably.

“Here.” She felt a tap on her shoulder and looked up to see Craig holding out a water bottle, cap already removed. She took it gratefully, using the first mouthful to rinse, and then chugging the rest for dear life.

“Can you come sit up with me?” Bebe said softly, rubbing her back in small circles. “I think you got everything out, so you should be okay for a while.” 

Heidi was so broken, so useless, so embarrassed, and she wanted to leave. But the thought of returning to her vacant house was daunting, so she sniffled and nodded her head, staggering to her feet. Bebe wrapped an arm around her and steadied her walk as they made it back to the stairs and sat, this time on the top step, which now to her relief looked just like a standard size porch step.

“I’m not drinking again for a long time.” She mumbled miserably, rubbing her face. “I’m so sorry, guys.” 

“Hey, we’ve all been there dude.” Clyde said, kindly. “Everybody has their rough patches. You’re doing fine.” 

“I’m suspended, my friend stole my work and claimed I plagiarised, and I just threw up in front of near strangers. I’m not doing fine.” Heidi said, heaving a sigh. She felt very, very tired, and as soon as she acknowledged that fact, she let out a massive yawn.

“Hey- I will have you know that puking in front of someone is a bonding experience, and has facilitated many of my friendships.” Clyde said, hands on his hips. “If I had a dollar for every time these guys have seen me puke, well, I’d have enough money for chicky nuggets.”

Heidi snorted so hard it hurt, Clyde was a living, breathing meme.

“I should walk you home.” Bebe said, still rubbing Heidi’s back. “You look like you need some real rest. I’m sure you’ll feel better tomorrow.” 

“I -I can make it home.” Heidi said quickly. “I’m literally just down the road.” 

“That’s all the more reason for me to take you.” Bebe said firmly. “Someone needs to make sure you get home safely. You’re drunk and you’re vulnerable, especially this late at night.” She sounded genuinely concerned, and Heidi’s heart turned in her chest.

“Yeah, okay, thanks.” She said finally, stills staring down at her feet while she stood up yet again. Bebe once again held her for support, and they had just made it to the sidewalk when, surprisingly, Craig grabbed Heidi’s arm.

“Hey.” He said in his low, monotone voice. “Wendy is a petty bitch, alright? Don’t give up on everyone just because she sucks total ass. Nobody cares what she thinks, and neither should you.”

Even if she barely knew the boy, she knew to reach out like this was somewhat rare, and she felt herself flush at the intensity and sincerity in his dark eyes. For whatever reason, this touched her the most out of anything that night, and she flashed him a timid smile, whispering “thanks.” He then just nodded, lifted a hand in the laziest wave known to man, and then turned back to Tweek.

“I’ll be back, guys.” Bebe said cheerfully.

“Night, guys.” Heidi said quietly, waving to Tweek and Clyde before leading Bebe down the street towards her house.

* * *

 

Heidi:  _ SOS, I need ginger ale and maybe a shotgun, STAT _

Eric: I don’t hear from you for a week and this is what i get

Heidi:  _ i. am. so. hungover. please help. _

Eric: you fuckin’ would. that’s your problem, not mine.

Heidi:  _ Missed you too, pal. _

Heidi’s doorbell rang, and she flinched at the sharp noise, nausea flaring up in her stomach. It rang again, and yet again before she heard the front door fly open.  _ What the fuck?  _ She looked frantically around the living room she’d been moping in, panicking at her lack of self defense skills.

“Heidi Turner!” The voice echoed through her entry way, and she set down the decorative vase she’d been about to throw at whomever was intruding. 

“I’m in here, Ike.” She moaned miserably, rubbing her temples and looking around her. In a matter of seconds, Ike’s tall frame entered the doorway, and his oceanic eyes were alive with a roaring tide, a fury in his stance that was very reminiscent of his fiery mother.

“Where the hell have you been, Heidi _? _ ” he asked, crossing the room and jabbing her in the sternum with an accusatory finger. “Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been? All I could find online was that you got suspended and put on academic probation. I’ve been texting you for a week now and you haven’t replied, you don’t get to just disappear!” His words were loud, and in her hungover head they ricocheted  like flat stones across her thoughts, bruising wherever they landed. It must have shown on her face, because Ike finally seemed to realize what state she was in.

“Have you been drinking?” He asked, appalled. “You’ve been hiding from me so that you can get hammered? So not only are you getting kicked out of school, you’re drinking underage as well? Is this Eric’s fault? Was it his idea?”

“Ike.” She said weakly. “You sound just like your mom right now.” She smiled weakly. For a moment, she thought he was going to punch her, and she probably would have deserved it.

“You do!” She said defensively, and quickly grabbed his hands to keep him from retaliating before she could speak. “I’m really sorry. I’ll explain. Just please, let me take some painkillers and drink some water before I actually die in front of you.” 

He rolled his eyes heavily, taking his hands back. He strode to her kitchen, noisily opening cupboards until he found the medicine cabinet, and she heard a pill bottle rattle and the faucet run, before he was beside her again. He pressed a few pills into her palm, and then passed her a glass of water. Her tongue was dry, and the pills stuck to it at first, and she gagged a little as she swallowed.

“Thank you.” She said finally, straightening up and doing her best to not look like undead roadkill. “I swear, I have a good explanation. My so-called-friend Wendy got me suspended by stealing my essay and stealing that scholarship I was working towards.” 

“She  _ what?” _ Ike hissed, the fury instantly returning to his eyes. “You’re joking, right?”

“I wish.” Heidi said, shrugging. “She planned all, it really does look like I’m the one at fault. There’s nothing I can do.”

Talking about it was less upsetting after she had gotten all her rage out the night before. She knew that there were likely going to be scars that reopened in time, but for now, she felt somewhat calm about what had happened.

“At first I felt very betrayed, well, because I was. And then I thought if Wendy could do it, what's to say that my other friends wouldn’t do it?” As she said this, Ike looked hurt, and she pressed on hurriedly.

“I realize now, obviously, that you’re not like her, Ike. You’re genuine, you’re wonderful, and you’ve given me so much more than you’ve ever taken. I want to trust you still, Ike. So I will.

“Let her have it,” She finished, grabbing Ike’s hand. “I don’t need the stupid scholarship. The most important things in my life, Wendy can’t have.” She flushed red, it wasn’t often that she was this open with anyone, even Ike. “I’m sorry for ignoring you, it was wrong. I need you, okay?”

Ike didn’t respond verbally, but instead pulled her over and into his arms. She felt a fierce heat sweep up into her heart for her friend, the most reliable person in her entire life. 

“You deserve better than her.” Ike said after a long while. “I’m so sorry this happened to you. Promise me next time you won’t go through it alone.”

“I promise.” Heidi said, and she meant it. 

* * *

 

She had dreaded her first day back in class. Without Wendy, she was pretty much out of friends in town, and this fact had her considering the option of eating alone in the restroom like a cliche high school dropout, rather than have to sit at an empty table in the corner of the cafeteria.

But before she could even make up her mind, someone else did for her.

“Heidi, over here!” She looked around, startled, and her eyes caught on a boy with a halo of blonde hair. It was Tweek, along Craig, Token, Bebe, and Clyde. When he saw that she was hesitant, he stood up and approached her, once again seizing her wrist and tugging her over to the table. 

“How are you feeling?” Craig asked, as she bashfully sat down next to Bebe. 

“You look a lot better.” Clyde said honestly, digging a fork into his brick of meatloaf.

“I feel a lot better.” She said sheepishly. “I’m so sorry for crashing your party.” She said towards Token. “And for puking in your bushes.”

“Puking can make for some great friendships.” Token said sagely.

“That’s what I said!” Clyde laughed heartily, and Heidi couldn’t help but join in.

“It’s true, he did say that.” She agreed. “Well anyway. I owe you all for taking care of me. Thank you.”

“It’s nothin.” Clyde said, waving it off. “That’s what friends do, right?”

“I guess.” She smiled shyly, surprised by how touched she was that they considered her a friend. 

“You’re in my next class, we can walk together.” Bebe said to Heidi. “We should have the same lunch for the rest of the year, so come sit with us again tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.” She said, happily, smiling up at the group. “I will.”

And she did, that year, and the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck count: 55
> 
>  
> 
> I really have to thank Harmony again, for letting me bounce ideas off of her. Harm- without you, I wouldn't have written any of this. Thanks for being the Ike to my Heidi. <3


	5. Alienate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: This chapter has a dirty scene that I cut off early, but if you want to read the entire scene, go to my profile and check out my other story labeled "Trollmate- Explicit" where I'll upload the extended version. I didn't want the smut to take away from the plot, but I couldn't resist writing the smut, so...
> 
> Anyway. Next chapter will be the last! Things are getting pretty crazy- let me know what you think!

## College: Freshman Year: Part 1

Heidi and Bebe's dorm room looked like a fairy tale come to life. They had hung up big canopies above their beds and fairy lights were strung everywhere, in all sorts of shapes and colors. Bebe had replaced all the curtains with sheer, glittery fabric and in the window hung little crystals that threw rainbows across the room as the sun set in the evening.

  
Bebe was currently trying to stuff the last of her clothes into her closet, a task that seemed impossible to the outside eye.

  
"Dude, Bebe, use some of mine." Heidi offered, laughing as the blonde girl cursed out a pair of heels that had slipped off a shelf and onto her head. "My clothes only take up about half of mine."

"You mean it?!" Bebe asked excitedly, not waiting for an answer before she swept up a huge arm full of dresses and heading over to Heidi's closet.

  
"Yeah dude, just let me steal some of your clothes sometime if I for some reason need to dress up."

"Only if you let me dress you!" Bebe said in return. "You used to be so girly and now all you wear is sweatpants and t-shirts."

  
"Dude, who am I gonna impress?!" Heidi exclaimed with mirth in her voice. "I have no reason to dress up. I have my soulmate and uh yeah that's not going anywhere, so..."

"Are you gonna tell me who it is yet?" Bebe, finished with her clothes, moved on to unpacking her books and knickknacks.  "You've always kept it so secret."

  
Well yes, Heidi had kept it a secret. She didn't like to bring Eric up because first of all, the only person who knew was Ike, and Heidi was definitely not ready for others to find out.

Now, sitting in their shared dorm room with fairy lights glowing all around them, Heidi considered telling the truth, just getting it out there. But then she thought of Wendy, pushing her for the same information, pushing her to solve math equations, pushing a knife into her back.

Heidi shook her head. “I don’t think I’m ready yet.” She said honestly, pulling a blanket into her lap to fiddle with. She knew that she was being unfair, annoying, rude, not sharing with someone who was supposed to be her friend.

“I understand.” Bebe said gently, and Heidi opened her eyes in surprise.

“You’re not mad?”

A flash of recognition was barely visible in Bebe’s brown eyes before she quickly came and sat down next to Heidi, not hesitating to take Heidi’s hands in her own.

“Hey, babe. This?” She motioned to the faded words on Heidi’s wrist. “This is your soulmate. _Yours._ You don’t have to share them with anyone, okay? You don’t owe anyone any explanations. It is _your business._ ”

Holding hands with Bebe, she was suddenly reminded of the time in middle school that Bebe had disappeared for a week. News spread quickly- her soulmate, the French boy, had been killed in a freak accident- rabid dogs, if she remembered right.

When the blonde had finally reappeared at school, the girls had swarmed her, asking endless questions and offering pity hugs, and Bebe had acted so strong, like nothing could ever hurt her. Heidi had believed it, at the time.

Now, having spent so much time with her, Heidi realized that it must have been a front. This girl must have spent so much time crying on her own, grieved on her own time, rather than inconvenience her friends. Of course she understood wanting privacy with soulmate matters. She was an expert on the matter.

“Thank you.” She said sincerely, squeezing Bebe’s dainty hands in hers. She wanted to apologize for back then, for not seeing all the pain she had to have been going through. But it was too late for that. Too much time had passed, Bebe had moved on by now. There was no use in dredging up the past in order to make herself feel less guilty. Instead, she said something else that would probably mean more anyway.

“You’re the best girl friend I’ve ever had, you know?” Heidi blushed as she spoke, looking away in embarrassment. “After Wendy I kind of assumed I’d never have that ‘best girl friend’ that other people have in their lives. But I think that’s- I think that’s you.”

Bebe tugged her hands free, only to pull Heidi closely into her, a strong, firm hug.

“When I saw you at that party, I knew.” She said gently. “I knew we were gonna be close. I’m glad I was right.”

“Okay that’s enough feelings.” Heidi said, once they pulled away. “I’ve officially reached my mush quota for the day. Where are we putting our TV?”

* * *

 

“Hey bitch, open up!” Heidi called through the door of Eric’s dorm, trying not to drop the multiple buckets of KFC she had shoved under her arm. Just when she was about to drop the mashed potatoes, Eric swung the door open and grabbed them from her, along with all the other food.

“Took you long enough,” he said, rolling his eyes. “You said you’d be here like half an hour ago.” He didn’t even wait for her to come in before he turned and disappeared into the room.

“If you’d given me a second to explain I would have told you that I got a little bit hit by a car on the way here.” Heidi said grumpily, flopping down on the crappy futon with her arms crossed.

“Wait, you fucking what?” He turned to her, chicken momentarily forgotten. “There’s literally two blocks between our dorms, how the hell did you manage that? And why did you still come over?”

“It wasn’t a big deal. The dude was texting and barely knocked me sideways at the crosswalk. He barely had his car in drive.” Heidi waved it off, and gestured for him to hand over one of the chicken buckets.

Eric was unnerved by how upset he suddenly felt, and he repressed the foreign urge to check to make sure she wasn’t hurt. If she had gotten in an accident, why had she still come over? Surely she was shaken up, and Eric wasn’t exactly the most relaxing person to be around. They hadn’t even made any concrete plans for the night, but she still came. Interesting. His concern was now combined with intrigue.

She seemed to notice his internal struggle, and sighed.

“Careful Eric, one might actually suspect that you care about me.” She remarked, grinning. Her stupid smug smile was splitting her face in half, and for some reason this made his throat feel dry.

“Ey- fuck you. I care about the law, is all.” He huffed, making no move to join her on the couch. “Texting and driving is fucking stupid.” He crossed his own arms as if challenging her to retaliate.

“Yeah well anyway.” She said, grinning at him, eyes squinting up at the corners. “Insurance is gonna take care of it, and you and I had plans to hang out, so I came. Now give me a damn drumstick.” She stuck out her hand, palm facing upwards.

“Eh, fuck you, I’m keeping it all for myself.” Eric taunted, holding it out of her reach easily. She scowled and dove at him, able to pull his arm down only because she struck with no warning. She held up a piece in victory, and then grabbed a few more before retreating.

“No! That’s a bad Heidi! That’s my food!” Eric reprimanded her in the exact same way he’d always yelled at his cat, and Heidi choked on her mouthful of chicken, nearly inhaling it in her resulting laughter.

“What’re we watching, anyway?” She asked through her giggles, once she swallowed her mouthful of food.

“I thought you said we were watching those lameass doll movies.” Eric said, telling Alexa to start up Netflix. He kind of loved the idea of making an Amazon robot use a competitor’s product, so he did it whenever possible. Sitting down, he set the bucket of chicken between them  and shoved an entire biscuit in his mouth.

“Oh, Annabelle, right.” Heidi nodded, picking up the remote from the table and using it to navigate the Netflix menu. “People say they’re pretty good, and we watched the Conjuring like a week ago so these are like the next step after that.”

“Oh yeah, dolls, _so_ scary.” Eric scoffed, through his mouthful of biscuit. He watched the screen warily, prepared for the movie to underwhelm him as most movies these days did.

He was right. It was boring. Halfway through the movie he’d started to watch Heidi more than the actual film, and she was so engrossed that she didn’t notice. Every time a jumpscare happened she would shriek with laughter, out of both terror and adrenaline. He was surprised it didn’t annoy him more, honestly.

When the first movie had come to its end and Heidi realized he hadn’t been watching much, she huffed and glared at him. “You have to pay attention dude, of course it's not scary if you don’t know the background! You better pay attention to the next one.”

“Aw man, you wanna watch the next one too?” He whined, mentally preparing himself to be bored for another few hours.

“Yes you bitch, we’re watching the next one.” She said bossily, hitting buttons on the remote control to switch to Annabelle 2. “The next movie comes out this year and you’re coming with me.”

She was always so demanding. Eric would have hated that in anyone else but in Heidi it was equally parts entertaining and irritating. As he thought this, he felt a small sensation of something gnawing at the borders of his consciousness- like he’d forgotten something important that he’d never known in the first place.

“Yeah, when does it come out?” Eric asked, not paying much attention to what he was saying, and more distracted by a sudden feeling of deja vu. She gave some sort of response and he didn’t even hear her,  It was like those moments in life where you drift off partially and have a revelation that seems crucial to your life, and yet when you try and focus on it immediately afterwards you can’t remember what it was or why it was even relevant to begin with.

“C’mon, let’s start the movie.” He said finally, pressing a button on the controller and allowing the opening scene of Annabelle 2 to begin.

What was it about Heidi that was suddenly freaking him out so much? He’d known her for years, now. Originally he’d offered to hang out mostly cos she was hot, but they genuinely got along even though some days he wanted to strangle her. In some strange way she had become one of his closest friends, and he was only just fully realizing that now.

It was this balance of attractive and obnoxious that was giving him such a severe sense of deja vu. He didn’t know how that was even possible, it wasn’t like he hung out with many girls. Actually, he didn’t hang out with _any_ girls other than her.

Well, unless you counted bantering with his soulmate, that is. Speaking of, they hadn’t talked in a while. The last conversation they’d had was…

Was…

It was as if he had suddenly broken the surface after a long time of being submerged in water. Eyes narrowing, he turned to subtly look at the girl sitting next to him. She was once again fully immersed in the movie, her calculating gaze following every little movement on screen. Her bangs had been out of place ever since she first got there, but she hadn’t bothered to fix them. Most notable was that Heidi was tiny, tall but slender. But in sharp contrast, her personality leaked out into her every action, too big to be kept inside such a puny vessel. Maybe all her body weight got converted into pure sarcasm, and that was how she was so thin.

He was overthinking things, but once the thought had crossed his mind he couldn’t shake it, and the more he thought about things the more they shifted into place.

Heidi was snarky, intelligent, bitchy, moody, and sarcastic. She was exactly the type of person who would, when presented with a jackass for a soulmate, start trying to fuck with them. She would probably even find a way to be around them as much as possible without arousing suspicion. And she would use that closeness to fuck with them, no doubt.

Eric had to will himself not to move and give himself away. He was reeling, both annoyed and astounded that he hadn’t fucking noticed this earlier. Sure, she was smart, but he was smart too- he should have seen this miles way.

Heidi Turner was his soulmate.

She had to be.

Now the only question was… did she actually know? He knew she could be a slippery little bitch when she wanted to be,  but she was after all good friends with Ike, so they would have met eventually no matter what...

Wait. _Ike._ Eric was willing to bet all of his earthly belongings that Ike was the piece he’d been missing. He wondered how long it took for Heidi to share enough information for Ike to realize who she was talking about- probably no time at all. Ike had been around for most of Eric’s childhood shenanigans, and he knew there was no way that Ike would keep it a secret from Heidi. Eric groaned internally. People always judged him for calling the Broflovski’s sneaky Jews, but this only proved him right.

On top of everything else, Eric had always been hesitant about the whole idea of soulmates. Even as he’d grown up, he’d started talking to his more out of spite towards his mother than anything else. But now, sitting next to her, he could sort of see what the fuss was about. Honestly, over the past few months he’d been really damn attracted to Heidi, but he’d also had fun talking to his soulmate, and he had felt bitter about it, because surely he should be feeling more significantly for his ‘soulmate’ than some random girl. And how much could a soulmate be worth if any old girl he got to know was just as important to him?

Fucking hell. _Heath. Heidi._ Both shitheads, both sassy as all fuck, both bossy beyond measure, both very clearly the same damn person.

He probably should have been more angry at her for keeping this a secret. Then again, the first thing Kyle had said when he found out Eric had been talking to his soulmate was “Holy shit I feel so sorry for whoever that poor person is.”

Maybe she didn’t even want to be with him. Maybe the fact that they were ‘soulmates’ didn’t mean anything to her.

Fuck this. Of course she was into him, that’s what this whole stupid thing _meant._ Some stupid force of life had forged their two souls with the same mold or some garbage. What Eric really needed to figure out was what he should do about it.

Ideas began to fly through his head, ranging from way too subtle to entirely over the top, and by the time he decided on his plan of action, the second movie was ending and he hadn’t paid attention to a single second of it.

“Are you okay?” She had asked him, once the credits were rolling. The sun had set a while ago and now she was only lit from the glow of the screen.

“I don’t know, I think I’m sick.” He gave as an excuse, not giving her much warning before closing up the leftover food containers and plopping them back into her arms. “You should probably go, you don’t need to catch whatever this is.”

“But Eric- we were gonna study.” She said with a face that said clearly that she was confused and maybe even a little hurt. He herded her to the door of the dorm room.

“Good night, Heidi.” Eric said curtly, and shut the door on her. He didn’t even wait for the sound of her walking down the hallway before settling down at his desk, booting up his computer and sitting down. He had shit to do.

 

* * *

 

“ _Hey, what’re you wearing? ;)”_

**“The fuck? It’s like 2 am whats wrong with you?”**

“ _nothing, i’m wonderful. very very wonderful.”_

“ **if you dont wanna tell me then i’m not gonna pretend to care”**

“ _sheesh, you’re so aggressive. i like that about you. wink.”_

**“...Really”**

“ _YES. I do. it’s hot.”_

**“...Really.”**

“ _YES WHY DON’T YOU BELIEVE ME”_

Eric was intrigued. Was Heidi flirting? He wasn’t an idiot, if his soulmate was getting rowdy he wouldn’t complain. But… what if she was fucking with him? It sounded like something Heidi would do, get his hopes up only to taunt him about it later.

**“Bitch go to sleep, you don’t mean this and you’ll regret it tomorrow”**

Heidi’s heart was pounding. Yeah, she’d had a few drinks earlier with Tweek, Craig, Clyde and Bebe, and sure, she was a little buzzed. Bebe had gone back to Clyde and Craig’s dorm for the night, and Tweek and Heidi had walked back to their building with their arms slung around each other, saying a giggly goodnight before retreating to their respective rooms.

She wasn’t _drunk_ by any means, all the alcohol was doing was bolstering her ego enough for her to feel confident. And besides, why shouldn’t she hit on Eric? He was her _soulmate._ Her soulmate, who had been avoiding her the past few days ever since he kicked her out of his dorm room with next to no warning.

As for what he’d said… of course she meant it. Sure, she’d been hesitant to show interest in the boy, but who could blame her?

“ _I mean it, asshole. this isn’t anything I don’t ususally think when i’m sober. (useully? usueally?)”_

Eric read her response. Well she was clearly intoxicated. He was beginning to think that maybe she really was being honest. If so… well, he’d give her one last chance.

“ **If you don’t shut up right now I’m going to personally make sure you’ll regret it. Last and final warning.** ”

“ _you never told me what you’re wearing tho._

_I never break a promise, that is my NINJA WAY_

_oh fuck, I didn’t promise anything- bUT I’M ON A MISSION”_

Repressing the smile that threatened to escape at her antics, Eric made his choice. He’d never been a great person in his life, and he never cared much. He wasn’t going to feel bad for taking advantage of Heidi, even if she was inebriated. She _did_ ask for it. More than that, she deserved it.

He thought briefly of his plan, which would be coming to fruition any day here. This situation would only make things more interesting, surely… fuck it.

“ **what do you want me to be wearing?”**

* * *

 

Heidi stuffed the last bite of her Big Mac into her mouth, taking a sip of soda to wash it down and finally looking up at Ike, who had been watching her as she inhaled her entire meal.

It was their bi-weekly lunch date, and for once Heidi hadn’t unloaded the entire fortnight’s worth of information on him the moment she saw him. Instead, she had picked him up from his house and awkwardly avoided all attempts at conversation as she drove to the restaurant..

“So uh, gotta tell you something.” She said finally, picking up her straw wrapper and beginning to wrap it around her index finger.

“Yeah no shit buddy.” Ike said, amusement dancing in his eyes. She figured he knew that if it was something urgent, she would have told him by now. No, the only time Heidi farted around like this was when she was hiding something really juicy. “Does it have anything to do with your arms?”

Heidi sheepishly nodded, looking down at the red raw skin of her arms which she had spent hours washing this morning in the community bathroom before anyone else was awake, the third morning in a row. There wasn’t much of her and Eric’s conversations that was safe to leave intact, so it took forever. Why did their sex talks have to be so _wordy?_

“I kinda… well… what’s the soulmate writing version of sexting?” Heidi said finally, face burning red once again. “Cos Eric is like… obscenely good at it. Like ridiculously so.”

“I figured it was something like that.” Ike chuckled. “Why are you so embarrassed about it? He’s your soulmate, it’s normal.” Much slower to eat his meal, Ike nibbled on a french fry thoughtfully.

“It’s been three nights in a row.” Heidi admitted, feeling a little less bashful now that he’d reacted so positively. “Last night Bebe was still in the room so I had to do it all in a stall in the bathroom!”

“But it's good, right?” Ike prodded. “It means you two are bonding in a pretty intimate way.”

Thinking of the way Eric had so boldly and immediately claimed her as his property once given the chance, Heidi squirmed in her seat and used a hand to cover her face. “Yeah, something like that. We’re definitely learning more about each other.”

“Then that _is_ good!” Ike insisted, smiling sunnily at her. He was way too sweet, and his support made Heidi feel ten pounds lighter about the entire situation. Excusing herself from the table, Heidi left her things behind on the bench and ordered herself a strawberry milkshake. Returning to the table and offering Ike the cherry from the whipped cream, she noticed her phone’s notification light was blinking.

“Oh, it’s Eric.” She said, a tiny smile curling at her lips. It was the first time he’d texted her since that awkward night at his place. He had sent a picture, and she unwrapped her straw while the image loaded on the slow mcdonalds wifi.

When she looked down again, her breath caught in her throat. He’d sent a picture of himself, smirk wide and eyes smoldering, his face squished up next to a girl, who looked oddly like... Wendy Testaburger? Actually, upon further inspection, Heidi was pretty damn sure it _was_ Wendy. I mean who else would wear a stupid beret all the way up through college? Her stomach roiled.

“What the fuck?” She said quietly, gripping her phone and swinging it over so Ike could see it. “Can you see this shit? Do you know who that is?”

Ike’s face paled. Of course he knew who she was, he’d barely kept himself from cyber-attacking the girl when he’d heard how hard she’d fucked Heidi in high school. His eyes left the phone and met Heidi’s, filled with sympathy and remorse.

“He’s two timing me…” She said faintly, furious with herself for feeling so affronted. She shouldn’t- no- _couldn’t_ , show any of her rage, though. Not without giving herself away as his soulmate. Maybe it would be worth it though, if she got to curb stomp his stupid face into the pavement.

This was surely some kind of sick joke. Maybe they were just hanging out as friends? She didn’t even understand why someone as stuck up as her would spend time with Eric when he was… well, him. And she’d bet anything that Eric didn’t realize who he was dealing with- but then why would he send it to her? What was he trying to do?

Her phone chimed again, still in Ike’s hand, and he visibly flinched as he looked down at the phone. “Shit.”

Heidi snatched it back, and immediately regretted doing so.

The newest picture he’d sent was of him and Wendy sucking face, and somehow even when he had his mouth attached to a girl he still managed to have that fucking smirk. For a while there, Heidi had grown to love that smirk. Seeing it now however felt like a molten brand pressing into her heart.

Heidi was furious. Why was he doing this? Were their nightly conversations not enough for him, he had to get another girl on the side? And not just any other girl- _Wendy?_ Wendy had caused her more emotional trauma than anyone else she knew, barring her parents. Maybe that was what he liked in her, her manipulative, self-absorbed, stuck up, arrogant, cocky- _s_ hit, the two were a match made in heaven.

 _Wow, shitty choice of words._ In this world, the matches made in heaven were pre-established- which is why this _shouldn’t be happening._

Fuck, she may still be bitter over Wendy, but she had come a long ways toward letting it go. She thought she was over the scholarship bullshit but seeing her with Eric made Heidi’s rage flare up all over again, and her heart ached in her chest like it was being squeezed in an iron fist. Oh well, at least it was the anger that remained, and not the depression. Anger, Heidi could use. Anger made her productive.

She stared at the picture until a hand gently took the phone from her, clicking the power button and setting it to the side. Heidi looked up at Ike, having forgotten where she was for a moment.

“I’m sorry, Heidi.” He said, and she knew that he meant it, and she was immensely glad that she’d gotten these messages while she was with him.

“Why me?” She asked softly. It was a question she had asked so often as a child, but it had been years now since she had wondered what she had done to deserve Eric Cartman. The feeling was familiar, but not comforting in the least.

“There’s a reason.” Ike said reassuringly. “You just don’t know it yet. Now, you should probably answer him unless you want him to get suspicious. Remember, you’re just Heidi, regular old friend. He’s probably expecting you to congratulate him or something.”

Heidi groaned and opened the conversation, the image of the two kissing still burning into her vision like a sun flare.

Heidi: _you’re gross. have fun._

Eric: bitch you’re gross. i’m already having fun, if you couldn’t tell.

Heidi: _cool, i’m with ike so imma go, maybe we can play a game later_

Eric: probably won’t have time, sorry lol, ttyl

Heidi looked up at Ike, and forced a weak grin on her face. “Ready to go? I need to go back to the dorm and work on an assignment anyway.”

Ike looked worried, but he didn’t protest.

* * *

 

“ **Hey hot stuff.”**

It was almost midnight. She stared at her arm, eyes focusing and unfocusing from exhaustion. Was he _serious?_

“ _Not in the mood. Sorry.”_ She wrote back hastily and then buried herself in the covers. She could feel him answering, but she didn’t look. He had Wendy for that shit.

Some small, ugly, insecure part of herself almost wished that she had just gone along with it, taken the small amount of affection from a boy who almost never gave it.  She still could… No. No, she wouldn’t do that to herself. She’d make sure she wouldn’t.

Peeking out from her blankets, she could see Bebe flopped on her own bed, typing on her laptop with a half asleep, half determined expression.

“Hey Bebe?” She whispered, and Bebe looked up, arching a blonde eyebrow. “Can I-” Her voice cracked, and she had to clear her throat before she tried again. “Can I sleep in your bed with you tonight?”

If Bebe noticed how distraught she was, she didn’t comment on it. “Sure, babe. C’mon over.”

Pressed up next to the warm girl, listening to her hum a little as she worked on her essay, Heidi fell asleep a lot faster than she’d expected.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck count: 101
> 
> A special thank you to Que, AlphaQ, who wrote Semantically Challenged, invited me into her life, and inspired me to start writing again. I love you, Que. 
> 
> Let me know what you think~


	6. Checkmate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I have to apologize for how long this took to write. I went through a really rough breakup and kind of lost hope for a while, and I didn't want to end the story in a way that didn't do it justice. That being said, I'm feeling pretty great now, and finally I was able to write an ending I can say I'm proud of.
> 
> I will probably upload a full smut scene in the "additional scenes" portion of this story, so keep an eye out for that if you're interested.
> 
> I want to keep the beginning note short, I'll add more after. 
> 
> Please, enjoy.

Eric had met Wendy in his Legal Research and Writing class. It hadn’t taken much to get her to pay attention to him, although their first contact was her bitching at him for “slut shaming” or some crap. She was never the type he’d choose to hang around with, she cared way too much about people’s feelings. If Eric was lawful evil, Wendy was lawful good, and that bored him. Not like Heidi, who if anything was chaotic neutral, only adhering to her own laws and not really caring about what was wrong or right. Heidi had her own opinions on things and could be pretty selfish at times, which Eric related to a lot. 

Fuck, every train of thought went back to her. Ever since he’d realized she was his soulmate, he thought of her so much more- and now that he’d seen such a different side of her personality with their ‘late night’ conversations, well… He wasn’t ashamed of it. It was his soulmate. He could do what he wanted.

Sort of. Fuck, he wished she’d fess up just so that he could actually be with her. Press her up against a wall and hold her by her hair and bite down hard on her shoulder to show her he  _ owned  _ her.

_ Anyway. _ Wendy. 

The girl was incredibly desperate. Apparently she couldn’t find her soulmate, if she even had one, and it left her with some major insecurity problems. This was to Eric’s advantage, because all he had to do was tell her she had a hot ass and she’d agreed to come back to his dorm.

He had been so certain that those pictures of him with Wendy would have set off the possessive side of Heidi, and that she’d come lay claim to her territory. It was unsettling how she had just accepted it instead, basically shutting down all communication between them. It was like she’d just given up, immediately. And that wasn’t normal for Heidi. Fuck, that bitch was the most stubborn he’d ever met aside from maybe Kyle. So what was going on?

He’d at least banked on her still writing to him, to keep her cover. But apparently she was slipping in that regard finally too. Heidi was absent in his life, and it was taking a toll.

His laptop flicked to life with a chime, indicating a chat message, and he stood up from his seat next to Wendy with a “change the channel to whatever.” He settled into his desk chair and read the message on his screen.

\---

**Canadian_god: Hey Buddy.**

Cartman-Brah: WHo the fuck 

**Canadian_god: It’s Ike Broflovski**

**Canadian_god: and you need to listen to me.**

Cartman-Brah: I don’t have to do shit for you, broflobster

**Canadian_god: yes. you do. you’ve made a mess and you need to clean it up, pal.**

Cartman-Brah: wtf are you talking about

**Canadian_god:** [ **https://northparkFOX.com/wendy-testeburger-acknowledged-for-first-sustainable-energy-source-on-mars/cD2ys-SB** ](https://northparkfox.com/wendy-testeburger-acknowledged-for-first-sustainable-energy-source-on-mars/cD2ys-SB)

Cartman-Brah: yeah so Wendy is smart as fuck, so what

**Canadian_god: so that wasn’t her work, she stole it**

**Canadian_god: wanna guess who from**

**Canadian_god: I’ll give you a hint. She’s in the astrophysics program**

Cartman-Brah: yeah like Heidi would just let someone take her work

**Canadian_god: Wendy was the one who told Heidi to work on the project in the first place. She won her scholarship because of it, and meanwhile Heidi was nearly expelled for plagiarism. They were really close friends, and Wendy drove a knife through her back. And now 2 years later you’re sending pictures to Heidi of you making out with a girl who traumatized her.**

**Canadian_god: So again.**

**Canadian_god: Clean up your mess. You don’t want to lose her.**

**_Canadian_god is offline._ **

  
  
  


Eric sat at his desk, brooding. Was this why Heidi disappeared for so long back in high school? She’d never told him why. They’d been hanging out still at that point, hadn’t they? He remembered how out of control she seemed those days, how desperate and nervous. He’d thought something was strange, but it had seemed to clear itself up on its own so he’d never asked. 

He knew that the Canadian hadn’t been lying to him though. He was Heidi’s best friend, and for him to be so desperate he’d reach out to Eric? It had to be true. Besides, it made sense. Wendy was a fucking social justice major. Why would she come up with something as important as sustainable life on Mars and then abandon the area of study for social justice? 

He turned around, to where Wendy was lounging on his couch, watching Desperate Housewives and doing sudoku puzzles on her phone. Noticing his movement, she looked up and smiled at him.

“Hey, do you know Heidi Turner?” He asked her, watching her face carefully. The reaction wasn’t subtle by any means. Her eyebrows knit together in a frown and her mouth gaped open before she quickly looked back to the tv and focused on what was happening on screen.

“Uh yeah, I went to school with her. Why?”

“Just curious.” He said. “I ran into her today, she said she went to North Park. Were you guys friends?” 

“Yeah. We were. I guess. I don’t know, she was kind of whiny.” Wendy said finally, inspecting her fingernails dully. He felt his hands clench in his lap.

“Gotcha.” He nodded casually.

Eric remembered how broken Heidi had looked back in high school, how lost. Wendy had taken Heidi’s trust and strangled it, stomped it down to submission. Heidi had been an unwilling playtoy to the coy, devious hands of the girl sitting across from him.

But Heidi wasn’t Wendy’s to play with. The only person on earth who Heidi belonged to was  _ him _ . Eric Fucking Cartman. Heidi was  _ his _ soulmate and as he stared down the girl in front of him, he felt nothing but disdain for her. 

Usually, when people made Eric angry, he would react brutally and personally, as he had proven long ago with Scott Tenorman. The fury he now felt bubbling up inside of him was different. Deep, primal, possessive, protective. He wouldn’t address this problem with blind rage. This was going to take some thought.

As for Heidi… fuck, he’d been sending pictures of Wendy, been rubbing it in her face. No wonder she’d reacted so badly.  _ Fuck _ , Heidi probably thought this was intentional. This agitated him even further, and he had to take several long breaths before he trusted himself to speak calmly. He could fix this. He  _ would  _ fix this.

“Did you steal her work and screw her over just so you could have a free ride to college?” He asked evenly, watching the blue eyes in front of him dart around the room, and her throat constricted as she swallowed sharply. Her refusal to answer his question was almost answer enough.

“Did you?” He pressed again. She glared at him, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Why are you asking me this?” She asked, having the nerve to look annoyed. “Why does it matter? That was like 2 years ago. Isn’t she over it by now?”

“Oh she is.” Eric said, sounding deceptively calm. “But you know what, I’m  _ really not. _ So if you could like, leave, that’d be really good for your well being.”

“Eric, what the hell?” She said, her perfect little nose wrinkling up in confusion. “I don’t understand-”

“If you don’t leave.” Eric interrupted. “I’m going to do something really, really irrational to you and you might not be  _ able _ to leave anymore. You got me?” He stood up and walked so he was towering over her. There was no way she’d still be there if she knew how real the threat was. But, she didn’t, so he grabbed her arm and wrenched her up from the couch, practically dragging her to his door and giving her a hard shove once it was open. She fell forward, spinning around to glare at him.

“There is something wrong with you!” She said to him, and he laughed, a deep, booming laugh. “Oh I know. But don’t you worry. I fix my mistakes.”

He shut the door, and spotted her purse on his couch as she slammed on his door. He strode over to it, grabbing it and shoving it to her through a crack in the door. Well, he sort of threw it at her. Semantics. With that, he locked his deadbolt and was left once again to come up with a plan.

His last had done nothing but worsen the situation exponentially. He was beginning to think he’d need outside help for this mess. He just hoped his friend had his phone on him.

\---

Leo was half asleep when his phone went off. At first he thought it was his alarm, but no, it was the ringtone for none other than Eric Cartman.  He groaned and sat up, rubbing his eyes blearily.

“H’lo?” He asked, twang much heavier in his sleepy state. “Whatya want Eric?”

“Butters.” Eric said firmly, as he always greeted him. “I need your help.”

“Why should I help you?” Sky blue eyes scanned the ocean view outside, the Hawaii sun beaming down brightly and making everything look bright and gorgeous- just how he liked it. 

“Well aren’t we friends?” Eric sounded a little affronted, and Leo couldn’t help but snicker. 

“Are we?”

“Quit being a sassy bitch.” Eric huffed. “I’m genuinely asking you for help, alright? I need you to channel your inner Professor Chaos.”

Honestly, the two got along surprisingly well after Leo had stopped taking his shit. The moment he fought back was the moment Eric actually decided he was a worthwhile friend.

“Oh, so the Coon has come crawlin’ to me for help, huh?” Butters taunted playfully. “I’m listening.” 

“I need you to annihilate someone for me.” Eric said plainly. “Anyway you can make one of my classmates disappear?”

There was a high chance that Eric was just being dramatic. And an even higher chance that if Butters played along, then he might be hurting someone innocent. And on a good day, he would have declined. But… Leo thought of a different South Park boy, sitting with him on these same beaches a long time ago. How he’d hoped that same boy would be here this time, too. How he had called to invite him only to find him busy with his new blonde roommate and his friends. “ _ Sorry Butterfree, maybe another time.” _

His heart clenched. “You’re in luck, Eric. I’ve found myself with a lot of free time. Looks like Christmas is coming early for one of my compadres.” He opened his drawer and rifled through a few folders. Once he found what he was looking for, he splayed it out on the desk in front of him.

“Here’s what I’m gonna need  _ you _ to do.” He said, allowing just a little Chaos to sneak into his voice. “You might wanna write this down.”

\---

Heidi was halfway through a bowl of fruit loops when she heard knocking on her dorm room door. 

To call it knocking was putting it lightly- whoever it was was slamming so hard that the door was threatening to fall off the hinges. Heidi dropped the spoon into her bowl with a clatter and scrambled over to the door, ready to cuss out whoever was assaulting it.

“What the fuck do you thin- Eric?” She asked, confused. Eric looked frantic, desperate. She’d never seen him like this before, and she was instantly on edge, half considering closing the door on him.

“Heidi. You gotta come with me. Now!” He insisted, reaching out and grabbing her arm.

“What? No!” She resisted, attempting to yank her arm back to her side but only managing to pull herself closer to him instead. “Don’t you have a girlfriend to hang out with?” She spat, glaring up at him with wild impudence.

“Heidi I’m seriously!” He said, reaching into the room behind her and pulling her purse down from the hook on the wall. “Put some shoes on, we have to go. Like right fucking now.”

She had no idea what was happening, but she pulled on her boots and shrugged on a coat before snatching her purse away from Eric. “Where do we have to go?” She asked, trying to glean any scrap of clarity possible.

“Look. I can’t tell you!” He said firmly. “Just come with me. It’s really important and kind of time sensitive so let’s fucking go.” Somehow even when Eric begged he still sounded like an asshole, but this wasn’t anything new to Heidi, so she just huffed and trailed alongside him. 

Being so close to him reminded her of why she’d been avoiding him, and her heart lurched in her chest from the contradiction of wanting to both kiss him and kick him in the nuts. Even when they were practically running across the parking lot, she found herself eyeing him and noticing the broadness of his shoulders and his large hands, hands that spent their time these days groping that bitch Wendy. The thought made her want to turn heel and go back to her dorm, but she shook it off.

“Give me your keys.” Eric demanded. “I’m driving.” She handed them over, hesitantly. It wasn’t until they were pulling into the parking lot of the Denver police station that she really dug her heels in.

“Eric what the fuck is happening?” She asked, turning to him and grabbing his arm. “Why the fuck are we here? Did someone get hurt?” These days she was usually fairly unshakable when it came to Eric but right now she was genuinely starting to get scared. And maybe he saw this in her eyes, because he finally nodded and relented a bit.

“Look. It’ll be fine. You just need to go inside, they’re waiting for you. I’ll walk you in, and I’ll wait for you in the lobby, alright? Heids- trust me. It’ll be fine.” He locked his eyes on hers, and against all the trepidation wracking her body she nodded. Somehow she managed to get out of the car and up through the doors of the police station, Eric following closely behind her.

Immediately she was greeted by a woman in a navy blue pressed suit and sleek silver hair. Heidi became supremely aware of the fact that she was still in her lazy clothes, and that she probably should have showered before leaving the house today.

“Ms. Turner?” The woman asked, and when Heidi nodded, she extended a hand for her to shake. “My name is Agent Harper, I’m with the FBI. My partner and I would like to interview you about an ongoing case, if you wouldn’t mind. Eric here assured us that you’re the best to ask on this matter.” 

“Um, sure.” She said, giving up on understanding what the fuck was happening. 

“Excellent. Follow me, we’re just going to go to a private interview room.” She turned and gestured to the hallway behind her. Heidi sent Eric a fleeting glance, and he nodded at her with a wink, which did nothing to soothe her nerves. Swallowing sharply, she followed in Agent Harper’s wake, smoothing down her t-shirt and jacket as she walked.

“We’re right in here.” Heidi entered a small room with a large table in the center, not unlike the cliche interrogation rooms shown in murder drama shows like CSI and Law and Order. 

A younger, olive skinned man was already sitting down, looking through a few stacks of paper and rearranging them on the table. Heidi sat in the chair across from him, and Harper settled herself into the seat next to the man, who introduced himself as Agent Vidalis. “You can call me Tom, though.” He said with a smile as Heidi shook his hand.

The two of them passed a few papers between themselves before looking up to Heidi with kind expressions on their faces.

“I imagine you’re confused.” Tom said, and Heidi nodded. That was an understatement. “We asked your friend not to tell you what this was about, because we wanted an unbiased and official statement from you without any outside influences. Honesty is going to be a huge factor in this situation, and we hope that you’ll feel confident in sharing with us.”

“Um, okay?” Heidi replied, looking Tom nervously in the eyes as she answered. He had hazel eyes that looked a lot like her own, although they were more striking next to his dark skin.

“Perfect.” He said. “You’re not in any trouble, Heidi. You’re doing great. We just need to hear your story so that we can make sure we’re making the right call here.”

“Here’s the deal.” Harper said. “We have to ask you about a classmate of yours, a Wendy Testaburger? We were informed that you two used to be quite close.”

Heidi frowned, exhausted immediately by the mention of Wendy’s name. “Yeah, we  _ were _ close.” She emphasized the ‘were’. “We uh, we don’t talk now.” 

“Yes, well from what we've heard, that makes sense.” Harper nodded. “Why don't you describe to us what happened your Junior year of high school?”

Heidi heaved a sigh. She wished she could just start her life over and never talk to Wendy so that she could escape from this endless loop of defending herself only for Wendy to get her way.

“I was accused of stealing work from a project that was entirely mine. She stole it. And framed me.” Her voice didn't do well to hide her frustration. 

“Do you have proof of your work?” Tom asked, taking down careful notes on a legal pad. “Did you keep any of it? It's okay if you didn't.” 

“Yeah, I have it.” She said, unsure of what they were getting at. “And I have pictures of my work too, but it doesn't matter because Wendy made sure to set me up along the way.”

“Would you be willing to provide your work and pictures?” 

“Um, I guess?” She asked more than answered. “I'm just not sure why this is relevant two years after the fact.”

“Heidi, we're in need of a character witness for Wendy. Certain things have come to light about her situation and the whistleblower, so to speak, mentioned that his good friend Eric knew Wendy's last close friend. You. He also said that you had good reason to help with our case.”

Heidi couldn't believe what she was hearing. “But what is the case concerning? It can't just be plagiarism for the FBI to be involved.”

“Wendy Testaburger, as you know her, is an illegal immigrant who has stolen the identity of a middle aged Hispanic woman. She's putting up a good fight, but all evidence points towards it being true. Your character witness is just a precaution to make sure we can be certain that Ms Testaburger is the type of person who would do something so heinous. With your statement, we're confident that we'll have her deported within the month and the real Wendy Testaburger can reclaim her life here in the states once she's located.”

Heidi knew for a fact that this was bullshit. Wendy Testaburger had grown up here, had been born in Colorado, and very much had her own identity.

But.

If some mysterious force wanted to kick Wendy out of the country, was she really going to argue? She thought of the pictures of Wendy making out with Eric. Of the smile that had been on Wendy's face when she pretended to be Heidi's friend. Of how Wendy’s betrayal had ached like a literal hole in her chest for months. 

Heidi decided she didn't give a damn about the truth. 

“If you're asking me to confirm that Wendy is a lying, manipulative bitch, then yes, I'd be happy to give you my statement.” She said finally, nodding and sitting up straighter in her chair. “Where should I start?”

\---

The interview process was extensive, and Heidi was half expected Eric to have left her there out of boredom. But when she finally said goodbye to the two agents, she was greeted by the sight of him nose deep in a law textbook. 

She watched him for a while, a million thoughts churning in her mind.

The entire situation felt off. Better than Christmas and yet too fortuitous to be real. 

In the end there was no denying it. It had to be his doing. Eric finally figured everything out and had somehow managed to deport the biggest problem in Heidi's life. Wendy might be manipulative but Eric was much more so. And a lot more clever, too. She wasn't sure how he'd figured out what Wendy had done, and she was even less sure how he'd managed to convince the FBI she was stealing the life of a Mexican woman, but it seemed clear to Heidi that this was his peace offering. An apology.

Coming to sit next to him on a rickety folding chair, she didn't allow herself to think before she reached over and pulled his hand away from his textbook, lacing her fingers with his.

Just as he didn't speak his apology, Heidi didn't voice her gratitude.

His face flickered from confused to amused with a wicked smile, and he closed his book with his free hand, sliding it into his backpack and slinging it over his shoulder.

“So that's that, huh?” He asked.

“Yeah.” She said, taking note of how well his hand fit against hers and feeling warmth blossom up in her stomach. 

“We’re finally doing this?” He asked.

“Yeah.” She said, biting her lip a little and smiling at him.

“Well you wanna get the fuck out of here?” He asked.

“Yeah.” She grinned even larger, and got to her feet, giving a playful tug at his hand although she was far from strong enough to budge him. He got to his feet, but before she could turn to the exit, he pulled on her hand so that she fell into his chest, and then he was cupping her face and kissing her, hard. 

She squeaked the tiniest bit out of surprise, and he laughed into the kiss, dropping her hand in favor of grabbing her ass. Hey- he’d been wanting to do it for ages, why wait? Eric didn’t give a damn who was watching around them, he was taking what was his when he wanted and how he wanted. 

Well, he _would_ have.

“Eric!” Heidi pulled away, cackling and hitting his arm lightly. “We’re in public, you fuck!”

“So what, you liked it.” He taunted, eyes turning up at the edges with mirth and just barely glinting gold in the fluorescent lighting of the police station. “Didn’t you tell me once that you wanted me to grab you and fuck you in pub-” Heidi screeched and slammed a hand over his mouth, grimacing as she noticed the amused looks on the few other people in the lobby. 

“I am going to get arrested for ripping your  _ dick _ off in public if you don’t shut up and leave with me right now.” She hissed, using her other hand to pull the collar of his t-shirt taut.

He just laughed, mussing up her hair and shaking her off easily, sauntering over to the door and holding it open for her pointedly. She scoffed and stalked past him through the door, smoothing down her hair and snatching the keys from his hand as he dangled them in front of her face.

Sitting down in the driver’s seat, she glanced over to Eric to see that he was watching her with a smirk still planted firmly on his face. She couldn’t help it, she smiled back. She’d somewhat expected to feel awkward when they finally owned up to the whole soulmate thing, but instead she felt comfortable, safe, like the acknowledgement had solidified the bond between them.

She wanted to say something about it, to finally speak aloud that the soulmate business wasn’t actually as bad as she’d always feared, but her mouth apparently was operating from a different place in her brain.

“You really think I’m perfect?” Was what she blurted.

“What?” He asked, head tilting a little and a chuckle escaping him. “Where did that come from?” He looked amused at the look of surprise on her face, as her own mouth betrayed her.

“You wrote it. That first night we uh, you know. You said I was perfect for you.” She said, breaking eye contact and starting up her car in order to ignore how red she was turning. 

When she looked back over to him, she was surprised to see the slightest hint of red on his face as well. “I don’t remember saying that.” He said, picking a piece of lint from his jeans. “But I mean. If I had, it would make sense.” He watched the streets pass by as Heidi drove out of the heart of Denver and more towards the suburbs. The admission made Heidi’s heart pound so hard it felt like it was trying to break its way out of her chest. 

She didn’t answer, and focused on driving until she pulled into the empty parking lot of a boarded up Blockbuster store. 

“Hmm, looks like they might be closed.” Eric said in a smartass tone, but he shut his mouth abruptly as Heidi unbuckled her seatbelt and hoisted herself over to his side of the car, straddling his lap before she lost the nerve. Meeting his gaze, she smirked a little but it faltered and fell off her face the longer she looked at him.

She had fully intended to kiss him again, they’d already done it, so it shouldn’t have been difficult. But they'd never been this close, and she could see her reflection in his hooded honey colored eyes, which were searching hers. His breath was warm, hanging between them, but she found her own breath catching in her throat.

Heidi wanted to be smooth. Wanted to be in control of the situation and show him she wasn't going to take his shit. But nothing could have prepared her for the look in his eyes, the understanding, the amusement, the  _ affection. _ She’d been stunned by his eyes from the moment she first saw them and having them now search her with such raw feelings was too much. It was all too much.

He watched her, and it was as if he had seen the thoughts unfold in her head. He smiled, a rare, genuine smile, and rested his forehead against hers.

“I don’t know why I’m nervous.” She confessed, irritated with herself. 

“It’s okay. I think I’ve got this.” He drawled, and he lifted a hand to her hair and tugged her so their lips smashed together.

The first time they’d kissed, Heidi hadn’t been prepared, and didn’t really have time to absorb what was happening. But now, it engulfed her like a roaring tide. The nervous buzzing that had been running through her veins all day had amplified into a kind of screaming, overwhelming her and causing her pulse to pound in her ears. Eric was pulling her closer to him and assaulting her with heated, aggressive kisses, and she barely had the mental capacity to remind herself to breathe throughout it.

It wasn’t perfect, both of them somewhat inexperienced and therefore a little awkward with their actions, but the feelings were no less intense, and she panted as they broke apart, chest heaving with her deep breaths.

“So.” He shifted so his mouth was next to her ear. “When I fuck you, do you want me to call you Heath, or Heidi?”

It bubbled out from deep in her chest, a laugh so loud and booming that it probably could have been heard from North Park. Eric watched her for a second before joining in, pulling her into his arms while his raucous laughter mixed with hers. All the nervousness melted away from her as she gasped for breath, leaning her forehead on his chest. 

It wasn’t the first time she’d been brought to tears laughing with him, but it was the first time it had been followed by him nuzzling into her neck and biting down on the flesh there, sucking and marking her. 

“F-fuck.” She hissed, and he grinned against her skin, biting down even harder and then kissing the forming bruise he left in his wake. His grip tightened in her hair and he held her still while he worked his way up her throat, kissing her jaw and ear and temple before reclaiming her mouth with his and leaning forward so that she was pressed firmly between the glovebox and him.

He grabbed the curve of her ass and pulled it so she ground against his dick through his jeans, and he growled a little, already harder than he’d ever been in his life. She whimpered as he shifted against her core, and the sound made him swallow sharply. 

“Heids if you’re not careful, I’m gonna end up fucking you in this car.” He panted, rocking up against her to feel the friction some more. 

“Why the fuck else would I have brought you out here?” She breathed, lips brushing against his. “Enough foreplay. If you don’t let me ride you by the end of the next hour, I’m dumping your ass before we even start dating.” She didn’t hesitate to buck against him, shivering at the rush it sent through her body. 

“Fuck, I think I love you.” He grunted, and holding onto her legs, he somewhat threw her back over to the driver side of the bench seat, leaning over her and pulling up the hem of her shirt, helping her to tug it over her head. 

\---

“Heidi, did you get-oh shit!” 

Heidi rolled off from Eric’s lap with a yelp, seizing a nearby pillow and holding it to her bare chest. Bebe was gaping at the two of them, eyebrows nearly lifting off her forehead and through the ceiling. 

“H-hey Bebs,” Heidi said with a sheepish grin. “Meet Eric.”

“Sup.” Said Eric with a wolfish grin, shooting the blonde girl finger guns from his position next to Heidi on her bed. “You might wanna knock next time, unless you’ve come to join u-” Heidi smacked her palm across his mouth and sent him a glare before turning to beam at Bebe like nothing was afoot.

“Did you need something?” She asked innocently, ignoring as Eric licked his tongue across the palm of her hand. 

Bebe opened and closed her mouth a few times, just switching between staring at Eric and Heidi in turn. “You- I- when?! How?! WHAT?” She ended up screeching, at a total loss for actual english.

“You did tell me you wanted to meet him eventually.” Heidi defended, reaching over the side of the bed and tugging a slightly crumpled tshirt on. 

“You know what. I did. But I didn’t need to see you dry humping him in our dorm room.” Bebe said, crossing her arms and looking more amused than annoyed.

“Really?” Heidi teased. “Because I’m  _ pretty sure _ there’s been a few nights I’ve caught you in compromising situations with Donovan. And unlike me, you don’t have the grace to stop once you’ve been discovered.” Bebe just smiled even more brightly and shrugged.

“What can I say? Mama likes an audience.” She giggled, and tossed some of her blonde hair back over her shoulder. “ _ Anyway. _ I was going to ask if you got Tweek’s invitation to study in the library tonight. But if you’re too busy?” She raised an eyebrow playfully.

“Fuck.” Heidi moaned. “I really do need to study, I’m falling behind.” Which was in no way due to Eric, of course. “Would you want to come with?” She asked the boy next to her.

“Nah, I’ve got shit to do.” He said, waving her off. “Just stop by later, alright?” He reached over, squeezed her ass and gave her a short, sloppy kiss before getting off her bed, giving Bebe a nod and ambling out of the room.

“He’ll come to meet the group soon.” Heidi promised, trying to force the blush down from her face. “Sorry you had to see that.”

“Aw, I was just giving you grief.” Bebe laughed as she gathered up a few books and dumped them unceremoniously into her floral backpack. “You’d been talking about him so much lately, I figured it was only a matter of time before he showed his face. He’s being good to you?” She asked the last part with a protective stare.

“Yes, very good.” Heidi said with a giggle that was only a little lecherous.

“I’m glad.” Bebe gave her a one armed hug, and patted her hair affectionately. “You deserve it, Heidi. And he seems perfect for you.”

Heidi’s heart felt so damn warm. She felt her face glowing with pride and happiness, and she didn’t even bother to try and hide it in the presence of her good friend. 

“Thanks Bebs. So. Tweek was gonna introduce us to his roommate tonight?” She asked, as they left the dorm room.

“Yeah!” Bebe chirped. “He’s supposed to be pretty damn cool, they’ve been hanging out almost nonstop.”

“Kinda a shame they’re not soulmates.” Heidi pursed her lips. “Tweek’s been so lively lately. Regardless, I’m glad he’s found someone aside from Craig to hang out with. It’ll be healthy for both of them.”

“Yeah, it’s almost painful to watch Craig pine after Tweek even after all these years.” Bebe nodded. 

They were still discussing the matter when they entered the library doors, and Heidi was completely caught off guard as a boy with blonde hair practically danced over to her and pulled her into a swirling dance, dipping her deeply and laughing wildly before letting her go and bounding out the wooden double doors.

“Wh- what?!” Heidi exclaimed, utterly confused and frazzled. Whoever that had been was  _ really _ handsome. And she had a tiny nagging feeling of familiarity. Had she met that boy before somewhere? She shook her head and made her way over to the table her group was at.

“Um,” She asked. “Who the  _ hell _ was that?” She demanded, taking a seat. Tweek was the one who spoke up, and everyone’s eyes turned to him.

“Oh, uh,” he blushed and reached to scratch his neck. “T-that’s Kenny. My roommate.” Heidi mulled this over a bit, frowning a little but feeling a smirk crawl onto her face.

“You dirty betrayer, you’ve been hiding  _ that _ from me?” She tsked.

“What about Cartman?” Clyde asked from his spot at the table. 

“What about Eric, did you see that?” She pointed towards the entrance to the library. She leaned back in her seat and heaved a dramatic sigh. “He doesn't’ have to worry. Just because I’m not out to buy doesn’t mean I can’t window shop, sheesh.” 

Talking about her boyfriend brought her briefly back to the moment Bebe had interrupted, and the filthy words they’d been exchanging in whispered voices between deep kisses and- Heidi shook her head and tabled the thought. She’d revisit that later tonight when she stopped by Eric’s room.

For now, she lost herself in ridiculous banter, her heart overflowing with love for the friends surrounding her. And maybe even love for Eric. Maybe.

 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys~
> 
> Thank you so much for being patient with me, and for reading my shitstorm of a story. I had so much fun doing it and it feels SO GOOD to know that I've written something and actually completed it for once.
> 
> To my discord crew... I love you guys. Thank you for helping me survive and stay on my feet. I wouldn't be here without you.
> 
> Specifically, thank you to Paige, who helped me with the idea of Butters getting Wendy deported. Paige, I love you so damn much. Thanks for being a great friend to me, and for inspiring me to finally finish this monster.
> 
> The very last scene leads directly into the second chapter of Take an Art Class, Idiot, the fic that inspired this entire story. Please go read it. You won't regret it. Cori and Angel, I hope you don't mind I stole a bit of your dialogue- and I also hope I did you proud and that maybe this gives you some inspiration towards your story! <3 I love you guys!
> 
> That being said, let me know what you think! I LOVE ALL OF YOU SO MUCH. Thank you for supporting me this whole time. I'm going to try and keep writing stories, so feel free to subscribe to me or however that works! :D
> 
> Final fuck count: 124


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